Down and Out!

I don't know if what i am writing is comprehensible, reprehensible,sententious, simply inscrutable or just insouciant rubbish , but i am painting my heart out on this canvas and for me it no longer matters if it's worth even a penny of praise or curse. Abstruse as it may seem, my mind is no different. Complex, terse, spectral, sordid or whatever one would call, it ain't far from a guess.
Life as it's quite common for everyone is full of bonds. Technical, emotional, psychological, and even professional bonds. My mind ain't different. Bonds Bonds and more bonds; covalent,ionic and magnetic. The problem arises when these bonds start tightening and make it difficult to respire. That problem is one of those in which i am just not able to find a way out. All around there's a feeling of being lost in a labyrinth of blood, a labyrinth of relations, a chakravyuh destined to kill you, a feeling that makes me feel no less than an Eklavya who did everything he could but still succumbed to the chakravyuh. For the first time in my life I've ran out of solutions.
"Never opened my self this way...
Life is ours, we live it our way..." ,says Metallica. Am feeling no different. "All these words i don't just say....
And nothing else matters...".
Few days back i felt if i were a child....but now i dont. I do not want to relive these days where each second I am dying. A Hemorrhage that can't be cured. A Mind that has not yet healed, for everyday it gets hurt. There are so many ways to kill someone, but there's one way that has killed me not once, but many many times. Words. Sometimes some words make ya feel great, some words can make ya happy, some words can make you cry, but there are some words that kill. Some words that take no time to pierce through the otherwise impregnable mind. I have enough holes in there caused by these simple looking words. And it Hurts. It Kills.
These wounds seem to have become septic now, for they are spreading to every known corner of my mind, body and soul. On a race where at every moment one needs to be focused to achieve the goal, I seem to be having a leaking fuel tank.
With no mordant or sardonic feelings or animosity or any invidious comments,I need to tell something. I am not a bigot, I am not an angry boy who doesn't care, and for god's sake i am not Selfish.!!! I may not be able to express my love the way you would want me to, I may be a coconut from outside but i am no less than milk inside. I love everyone...I care for everyone from the bottom of my heart. Please don't use words that kill, I wont be able to take that anymore. Am alive just for a small little Bond i care. Am already a recluse, please don't make me a forlorn waste. I've already lost all my energy, help me. Am down and Out.

In Memory of Memories..

For the last few days i had not been in any mood to even talk to anyone. I just wanted to stay alone in my room and have just silence as company. I was depressed. The worst i had ever been; may be i had changed, may be something was wrong with me, but whatever that was...it hurt.
I was just looking around in my room so that i could distract myself from suicidal thoughts and suddenly one thing caught my eye...it was a photo. My childhood photo, my school group photo, Vth A section,VTConvent. I was not smiling(i still dont know why),nor where those who were standing close to me. But there was one group in the pic that was not just smiling but laughing, and that too in the weirdest possible manner they could, i could not help but laugh looking at that photo as i could see the ease with which laughs could spread in a group when everyone was silent and just 10 yrs old!!
That was more that a decade ago, when i didnt even know the spelling of depressed. Single 'S' or double.?? i wish i was in school again...

School...when every morning i woke up late,dressed up as fast as i could after the world's fastest bath, and ran like hell to reach before 7:10am. As always, i used to reach at 7:15(despite of living next to the school)...it was then i realized that i was definitely not alone!! I always had company. And when you could finally reach in time on any day, it was then you realized that you hadn't cut the nails(so eat them up as fast as u can!!),you hadn't polished your shoes(so use the back of ur socks as fast as u can!!), Loose Socks!!(so look in ur pocket 4 the emergency rubberband!!),Tie doesn't have a knot(tie it!!!!!),The Green House badge is missing( beg for one around!!)....and after all those efforts....you would end up caught for long hair!!! I wish i was in School again....

Inside the class, you cursed the teacher for remembering the homework(of course when you didnt do that!!). And when she asked us, the best reason that still works many times...."Ma'm I did the Homework, but I forgot the copy". And as always...me and my friends continued talking....outside the class!!(coz it was the third time in 3 days my friends and I had said the same reason to the same teacher!!!) And then cursed the teacher for slapping us in front of the class. I wish i was in that class again...

In the Break: "Thank you god for the food we eat..."(a prayer that was said way faster than what was meant to be) followed by " Thank you MADAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"(thats exactly how it can be spelled!!)
Fights were common. The one who did not obey the groups orders was ostracized from the group and no one would talk to him. Those were rules. Group rules that were subject to change...any moment. Coz if your friend breaks the rule, the rule was changed. And at any moment, a friend would be called a foe...and the very next moment...he would be a friend again(lack of memory may be!). Well that was the best part of childhood...many fights...many quarrels...but still no foes..all friends!!
And when the long bell struck, "Oh my god...thank you very much for the day...."
in fifteen seconds, the long prayer used to be over,and with that the end of all enmity or jealousy, ego or anger,whatever was present. By the time we walked back home, everyone was a friend again, everyone was happy again,and every shoe was dirty again...

I wish i was a Kid again...no ego...no worries...no anger..no hurries...no enemies...just a ten yr old...who never knew what depression was...single 's' or double ....

Budget: BADget

I couldn't stop myself from writing about the reprehensible budget Mr. Pranab Mukherjee presented few days back, so here i go. One of the first facts that came out was that the expenditure touched Rs.10,00,000 crores for the first time in Indian History, now that's a huge sum of money. The irony is that despite of such magnanimous spending, India is still a developing country and to add to it,India is still a country of the poor(I wonder where all that money goes!).
The Fiscal deficit increased to 6.8% of the GDP. Now, for a country that spends at least 10lac crore Rs., 6.8% of the GDP is not just huge but massive,not just massive but dangerously massive. For all those who find these terms and the budget to be simply inscrutable, let me make it clear; When a country spends more money than it earns the gap that is produced is called the deficit. The fiscal gap measures the difference between government spending and revenues over the very long term, typically as a percentage of Gross Domestic Product. The fiscal gap can be interpreted as the percentage increase in revenues or reduction of expenditures necessary to balance spending and revenues in the long run.
Coming back to the point, such a big fiscal deficit needs to be corrected asap and measures need to be taken to curb expenditure and increase revenues. But, what Pranab Mukherjee declared in the budget was an increase in expenditure which many found to be unnecessary and uncalled for. For example, the expenditure on NREGS( National Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme) was increased 150% to Rs.39000 crore. The Implementation of the same scheme happens to be done haphazardly and when measures need to be taken to properly implement that, the Government simply increased the expenditure!!( Now that's where all the money goes.)
Japan too had faced such a situation earlier in 2002 when its fiscal deficit was around 8.2% of the GDP in 2002. But, the government in Japan controlled the tax( of course increased it to increase revenue) and reduced unwanted expenditure, and was able to reduce that gap to 4%. But even that took a lot of efforts and more importantly 6 long years! But in India,the Congress Govt has only 5 more years!( I wonder what they'll do if they lose the next elections!)
But Indian government instead of adroitly controlling the taxes and expenditure has simply ignored the taxes(in fact increased tax exemptions for many), and increased expenditure , No No No, not on infrastructure or health facilities, but on Schemes!!!( That's exactly where all the money goes.)
The Stock market's response has been directly proportional to the Budget performance. The response was BAD. It has been on a bear run for a week now. Expected, as there was nothing that the Budget said for them. The Budget literally ignored them. No wonder why the response was so apoplectic.
Interestingly, the only part of the budget that had some reductions in prices was LCD tv, Gold and mobile phones. I wonder how that would help the poor in India for whom the budget was primarily meant for this year.

The Beginning of an Asinine Morning!

All alone at home the main pastime for me is pastime, rather timepass as it's better known! I have nothing much to do but eat food(if any), drink milk(if any) and all i am left with is one job...Sleep! Last night was no different, had some nice Maharashtrian food (thanks to sid), loads of milk, and i was off to repose. The problem started when i was on my bed and staring at my fan, i started to get bored and in no time i realized the fact that i was not much used to...I WASN'T SLEEPING!! I looked in to the clock but that just made things worse; it was already 2 in the morning and i was simply staring at the fan! I got up, went downstairs, drank whatever milk that was remaining, looked at my books with guilt, and went back up to have another shot at sleeping, fortunately this time i was on target. I must have fallen asleep, coz i don't remember much then. All i remember was what happened after i woke up...

The first shocker came when i was up and looking for my mobile. It was nowhere around me and i had to search like a loony around my bed, throwing away all the blankets which had somehow managed to become terribly huge just at the nick of time. After all those efforts i found my small little darling lying on the floor like a loyal dog near its owner's legs.! I picked it up and went downstairs as i heard some noise. As i went down i heard some voices i had never heard before, saying things that frightened the hell out of me."Arey yaar ab kya karneka.? Ek kaam kartey me peeche ke pipe ko tod deta aur tuu usko saamne ke side se pakkadke tab tak baandh dena" My god almighty where was I..!!!!!
I felt a chill through my spine as i heard that. I felt like a flabbergasted loner who knew he was about to be looted by robbers. And to make things worse, i heard the sound of a wooden lathi hitting our gate. My heart was literally in my mouth.

I collected all the courage i had and walked towards my door. Tried to open it but wasn't opening!! I prayed that must be stupid dream, coz i wasn't able to sleep.But it wasn't so. With a heavily and terribly frightened mind i looked around the door and found that my heavily and terribly frightened body had not yet unclamped the stupid door clamp.!! I unhooked the stupid door clamp, and there was the shocker of them all.!!! I never expected a sight like that next morning when i was finding it difficult to sleep.
On the door were two dark men in not so tidy dresses who looked more like poor laborers than robbers. And it was then i realized that i knew one of them. HE WAS THE PLUMBERRR..!!! "Arey Bhaiyya wo saamne ke ghar ki chaabi do na..wahaa ka pipe theek karna hai", he said. That was exactly the moment i felt i knew him. My god i was relieved..!!!! The watchman was also around with his trademark lathi ( i never even thought of him minutes back). Along with the plumbers were the owners of that house who had given me the keys last night.
They said they had been ringing the bell for half an hour and were about to go!! All that i could afford was the worst embarrassed smile that i could have on my face, and i said sorry with that smile still on my face. They went with the keys, i closed the door, and the clock said it was nine.!!! I ran for my brush...looked at the mirror...and for the next ten minutes, i laughed the hell out of me all alone....

Finally the rain dance....

' Heat wave kills 3 in city' , ' Scorching heat grips city ' , ' Heat wave across Maharashtra, farmers worst struck'.....all this is past news now. Finally, after a long break it rained today...and its still raining as i type this. Just a look outside and you feel as if mother nature just had a bath...everything seems to be so clean, so orderly, so peaceful. All that anger seems to have gone, all that frustration...all those sweaty shirts...all those dusty winds...n finally all that summer heat seems to have gone. The Rains just washed them away.

It's such a great relief to see the clouds cover the entire sky as if its a blanket mom made and someone has poured cold water on it to make it rain. Am all alone at home, resting on my couch, listening to some calm music, and i hear the sound that made me turn my head instantly...through the slightly open door, i saw sparrows...chirping flying dancing in the rain. As i looked further up, i saw a full flock dancing in the rain, flying around so fast...so many...with so much energy. It reminded me of my childhood when we used to play 'out-out'. Indeed the birds were flying around doing just that.

That view was mesmerizing...i kept on gazing at them for long. I don't know if the birds transferred that energy to me, coz then i too wanted to dance...i jumped up, threw away my ipod, and ran out to dance in the rain. I was a child again...dancing jumping in the rain..my hairs wet, my hands wet...n it was then i realized that i was entirely wet in seconds...not coz of heavy rains...my god i wasn't even wearin a full pant...jst a half lil pant!!! But never mind, i still jumped n danced in the rain, forgetting that my neighbours were watching me.! " Jumping in the rain...without clothes..i l tell this to ur mom wen she comes", Thats all i could hear. And moments later those neighbours were along with me....dancing in the rain ( ofcourse with more clothes than me) .
May be that is how all those birds started dancing one after the other...then almost all of them. Whatever that was, the birds had transferred all their energy to me...may be through the tiny drops of rain we all shared. My god the rains are back....n please dont take them back!

The King has died...R.I.P MJ

The King of Pop...the legend on stage...the elastic rubberband man who could move any joint u wanted him to...the master dancer....my idol...Michael jackson is no more...

It took a long time time for that news to sink in...am still not able to believe it. I first felt that it was just a rumor like the one spread long back which said Michael died in an operation (along with a foto).! But now, when the news was aired on BBC, CNN, NDTV...i realized that this time it wasn't any rumor... indeed the moonwalker had walked his way to the heavens.

Really sad...but that has put an end to a life that rose like the phoenix, and was beginning to wither away...A life that seemed at some stage as a cornucopia of success,fame and stardom had began to wane...of course am talking of the troubles he faced in stupid cases framed against him....but yesterday the moonwalker walked past all those troubles with the same ease he used to do the moonwalk with.

He was my idol...but now he's gone...gone with him are those controversies...gone with him are those " AAOOOOOHHHH"s ...gone with him are those jam packed concerts...gone with him those dance steps. Am left with just his music...not just me...the whole world has just his music n his videos to cherish....the aooooooohhhs will only be heard on computer speakers...those dance steps in archive videos...those concerts in record books.
I was always a fan of his from the very first day i saw one of his songs on MTV...it was Beat It...n he did beat everyone with that song. I was definitely one of them. I grew mad about dancing...all i wanted to do in my life was to dance along side him some day...of course those dreams were just dreams...They say,'childhood dreams are never meant to be true', may be that's why...
But then, i was not the only young boy to have dreamt such a dream, for there were millions of people...young boys n girls...big boys n girls, who wanted to see him dance...who wanted to at some time of their lives be able to dance like him...to moonwalk like him with him...all those dreams got washed away with tears that people couldn't control...tears that said it all...

All alone at home....am left with just his music...justtt his music...music that would never die...

i cant express my grief more...
coz i may just not stop....
The King has died, let him Rest in Peace...