Of all that I've written, this was perhaps the hardest. Please do read and if you think this can help someone who has been through pain, do share.
Letter to my unborn:
My dear dearest,
I've dreamt of you so many times. I've dreamt of holding you in my arms. I've dreamt of singing a wordless lullaby just for you to sleep on my bony shoulders. I've dreamt of making space for you to jump on my fatless belly. I've dreamt you brighter than the stars, but like dust floating in an abandoned room you've left me floating in an endless loop.
My dear dearest I've wanted to cry, but somehow the Man in me didn't allow me to. My dear dearest I've wanted to cry, from extreme happiness the day your mother heard your heartbeat the first time. From extreme joy the day your mother realized you were making more space for yourself in her belly. From an unexplainable glee the day I saw you as a small blip in a black and white scan report. To feeling my heart crumble hearing from the doctor that your genes won't let you survive, I've wanted to cry. To seeing your mother breakdown on being told that you were not meant to be. To faking my strength as they took you and your mother into the operation theater knowing that only your mother would come back from there. To faking my courage as I stood there telling myself that it'd be alright. To cursing my fate to have been the 30000th in a genetic equation which had a 1/30000th chance. My dear dearest, I've wanted to cry. But the Father in me didn't allow me to.
There's a lot I wanted to tell you. From the glowing of the stars to the growling of the machines I've had stories to tell you. From the joy of holding a baby sheep to jumping in a pile of leaves I had moments to share with you. From the joy of mathematics to why your mother hated it there was so much I wanted to narrate to you. From the day I saw you to the day I'd close my eyes I had a life I wanted to share with you. And here I am now, staring into an endless void in my heart, not knowing what, where or who I am. I wish I could come with you to wherever they took you. I've dreamt of going for an early morning run with you, but today my dear dearest, I wish I could die with you.
Without you I am now just a 31 yr old software guy who struggles to make sense. Without you I am just a thin bearded husband spending weekends wondering about the purpose of time. Without you I am just a someone with nothing to look forward to. And yet I remember this week marks one year to the day they took you away from us and, before I could even tell you your name, filed you under a label and named you Trisomy-13. And yet I remember this was the week I called up everyone and told them with tears in my eyes that the 'Good News' I'd spoken of, is no more. This week marks one year to the darkest week in my life. My dear dearest, this week marks one year to the day I killed a part of my soul forever. The day I bled myself empty with fake courage on my face watching your mother cry her heart out.
I should've cried with her that day. I should've let it out that day, but I didn't. Somehow I decided to carry that pain and cover it with an expression of strength. Countless nights of sleeplessness and hours of staring at the man in the mirror, I've realized that pain is an after all an emotion which feels better when let out. You know, last week as I heard another little child cry for me as I left, I somehow heard you, my dear dearest. Every day after that, I've heard that cry resonating off the walls of my heart and every time I heard that cry I was back on the chair outside that operation theater where I couldn't even say goodbye, but this time, I felt my eyes let go those tears. I wanted you so bad, and by never letting anyone know I've realized I've only torn myself apart.
I know you'll come back. Some day, I know you'll come back and fill up that void yourself. Till then, my dear dearest, I promise you I won't cry because I lost you. I promise you I'll fill up that void with the stories, and tales I've wanted to tell you. I promise you I will fill that void with the best of everything I see everyday, for in those memories lies the beautiful world I wanted you to see. In those little frames of time lies the world I wanted you to share. In those little moments lies the life I wanted you to enjoy.
My dear dearest, I write this letter to you not to make you feel sad, but because I know you'll come back someday and read this yourself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to express myself the way I feel today, but I know you'll come back someday to my arms and fall asleep on my bony shoulders. I know some day I will make space for you to sit on my fatless belly. I know I will some day wake you up on a Sunday morning, go out for a run with you, and maybe jump into a pile of leaves on our way back. And on that day, my dear dearest, I'd know that you're not the 30000th but rather the 1 billionth in the ratio that's 'One in a Billion'.
Until then,
"In my heart, In this cold heart,
I can live, or I can die,
I believe if I just try,
you'll believe in you and I."
waiting for you,
with an empty heart full of silent dreams,
Your Father
Posts
