There's a time in your life, where you feel like you're standing in front of a wall and your insides are just weeping but your face shall refuse to show it. There's a time in your life where you'll feel like the universe was made for everyone but you, for everything in your life felt out of place always. There's a time in your life, you'll find an enemy in Time itself. There will always be a time like that. How far will you run away from that? It's gonna find you, it's gonna make you experience it, for only in such moments are you truly alone, only in such times are you truly insulated from any external force and only in such moments are you truly Yourself. Last year, I made friendship with those times. I accepted my sorrow and found a way to peace. My own version of peace for when you're at peace the world around you pauses, doesn't it?
"In my heart, in this cold heart
I can live, or I can die,
I believe, if I just try,
You'll believe in You and I"
Every night I put myself to sleep thinking of these lines and imagining how life could've been if only I had my child in my arms instead of dusty hospital records. Every night I used to cry. It was pain, and in that pain I found myself staring at a wall in front of me, my insides weeping but my face refusing to show it.
This was June. Last Year. The year I guess a God somewhere heard me, because deep within I felt a warm voice soothing me and telling me that good shall come to you if you've been good to the world. In that voice I found my peace. And you do know what happens when you've found your inner peace, don't you? The world around you changes, the doors start to open, you start seeing the good things in your life, the body settles down and your mind starts to heal.
And so this year, I have my answer. What I thought I had lost forever, what I thought I could never get back, what I thought was that lost grain of sand, is right now in my arms, sleeping. Every dream I had when I was awaiting this moment, I see them right now in my arms, sleeping. My God has given me the answer to all my questions. In my arms today, is proof that he exists. A sweet little miracle with the tiniest arms and legs, his forearms the size of my little finger, his entire body fitting on my forearm; a sweet little miracle with tiniest fingers and tinier ears, sleeping. My heaven is right here with him sleeping in my arms and me watching him do nothing but sleep. I don't feel like doing anything else anymore. Food - meh, sleep - bah, earn- nah. Just watch my little boy sleeping at peace. This little moment, this sweet little moment where you don't care about the world and are holding your own miracle in your arms, my friends, this sweet little moment is Happiness.
My dear friends, in your lives if you ever have the misfortune of facing that endless wall, don't lose hope. Hang in there. Keep your dreams intact, don't let even the darkest moments affect the flame in those dreams. Live those dreams every day and every night, for they're the most powerful things in the world. No damn force, no damn emotion, no damn person can stop you if you spend your days and nights believing in those dreams. Hang in there, my dear friends, for in those dreams lies the power to change your time.
Today as I hold you, my little king, I go back to the same time last year when I had broken down typing my heart out as it marked one year since I lost you, my child. I go back to the nights I relived those dreams with tears in my eyes where I could see you the same way as today, sleeping in my arms. I go back to the nights I relived those dreams with tears in my eyes where I would sing you lullabies and you'd do just what you're doing right now - sleep in my arms. You're the emperor, my dear son, who came back from the dead for me. You're my Caesar, you're my Xerxes, you're my Leonidas, you're my Raja Raja Chola, my Alexander, my Jalaluddin Akbar, you're the King of my dreams. You're now the reason I have meaning in my life. You, my son, are my dream come true....
..and so on this day, that marks exactly 2 years since I lost you...with tears in my eyes..I name you, my dearest son, my Kanishka.
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