Resigned from my heart

I had it decided. For some time I had that feeling inside and all this while I was waiting for a moment to decide. And soon that moment came, I saw where I was headed to with myself, I saw what I've become. I saw myself on a busy street and that very moment I had it decided, I wont turn into something I've never been or wanted to be. I will forever be me.

I wanted to write it out once and for all that I will not continue the job I've been doing, but I couldn't.I couldn't write that I was frustrated, agitated, annoyed and exhausted. I didn't. All this while I was wearing a joker's mask. A mask which I wore the moment I wore that blue ID card, the moment I entered those secured premises, the moment i go past those gates, and again the moment I sat onto a leaning chair in front of a machine which has no eyes or ears but has silent voice which runs thrills down many and an eerie face which can show you miracles. It was the mask I was turning into, I couldn't write this down because I never could get the right words, and I don't think English is big enough to express what I felt. I will not let this mask be me. I am what I am, and will forever be. I will be free for that's what is me.

I coded some scripts once a while, and for that I was paid a salary. I solved a few issues and for that I was paid a salary. I spent some time on a chair in front of that machine and for that I was paid a salary.Till the day I die I was gonna do this and for that I was paid a salary. To hell with this, I will make my own salary. I cannot be wearing a mask forever, I will not be the mask i wear. I may be that guy in the crowd, but I am not one of them. I will not live a life which waits desperately for the weekend and cries when it ends, I will not live a life where every one waits for the month to end and freely lets that cycle repeat itself in a slow yet painful way. I will not be that slave of an ounce of salary, I've never been that horse who runs for that carrot and will never be. I will not be a part of this place where every while you know that your path ahead is decided by someone else, and every light on the way is bleak. Hell! I am thin, but I am not weak.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side..
Then I glide like a bird, 
I just want to be."

I may be living in a world where efforts are counted in hours and your dedication is remembered by your mistakes, but I still have a child in me who dreams. I still feel that my wings haven't rotten, I was born to fly and I will always do what I love to. I will not be clogged in this world of sh-IT where whether you do or not, you'll still get a sum of money which never changes. I will not sink into a hole dig by desperate promotion seeking people, I will make my own world and rise up. It's been a while I've been wearing this mask of uncertainty and today I throw it away. Dear Sir, today I resign.

God Party Cull

Dear God,
"The Time machine" is one thought you put unanimously into the minds of every person on Earth. I am just one of them. For the past few months you have no idea how much I've wanted that machine in my life, for if I had it, I would have kept it so close to me that every heartbeat would have felt it before anything else, every pulse would have kissed it before anything else, and my very soul would have lived inside it. Dear God, why didn't you make that machine? Why did you leave just that thought when you know my thoughts mean nothing. But dear God, I think i know the answer now.

Had I had that machine, God you know it, I would have never grown up. Today I am 24, had I had that machine, I would have gone back to that 10 and would have never returned to this 24. I would have relived these 14 years a thousand times every day for the rest of my life. I would've gone back within moments to those days when I used to cry for anything I wanted and would get beaten up all over again by bro. I would've relived those nights when along with five guys the whole night was spent on a terrace staring into an empty sky and the only thing noticeable was the crap we said to each other. In a moment, I would have relived all those afternoons when I broke records in a video game and felt like Rambo. I wouldn't have let those afternoons go down with just a drink of Bournvita, nor would I have succumbed to Mom's threats had I ever known that there''ll come a day when I'll have no video game or bournvita, a day when Mom's hundreds of miles away and those five guys would be in different places of the world; and that the terrace would be an empty space forever after. Dear God, i know why you didn't make that machine.

Dear God, I've been thinking about this for long. The world may be spinning on its own, but I do know that Time isn't some fabric you can tear into. It isn't some matrix you wont understand, nor is it some flowing water which takes you along. Time is just an element. It is an element just like others, just as obvious, just as simple. In a world where God's being put into particles, while I was lying on a chair laughing while remembering some old prank, I felt that I knew. I felt I knew that machine, the machine which could create those particles of time. The machine that could take me back to the day I wanted.Which when switched on would take me to that moment which I wanted to live again. That elusive machine which mankind has forever been trying to create. A machine which could take you to the day you wished. The only input to it being Time. Give it some time...and it will take you to the time you wished!

It was never a "thought" that you planted dear god, it was never something man could make. It wasn't some thing that man could sell or buy. I should've got this before, how can man create something which he already had!!? Because, it was never a thought, it was the whole machine he had. You planted the whole machine inside my head. You planted it in every head you created. It was that same machine which took me through those video games and terraces within moments. It was always that machine which took me to those days I wanted to relive. It was that Time machine which I had used while siting on that chair and the moment I got up from that chair, I knew it was in me.

 Dear god I write this today, to thank. It is because of you that I now realize...the Time machine is Me.

Shallow Shadow.

Its been long I've wrote something on this canvas, I dont think i would be able to explain why, for i was walking all the time. walking on a known path, but on a journey i never knew, a journey i never know where or when will end, or where it will take me, all i know is that this journey will help me answer something.
I've walked a long way on this weird curvy path which leads to nowhere, this long road which never seems to end, this long road which has seen me for all these years, the same road on which I crawled as a toddler, fell on when i learned to ride a cycle. The same road which caught every single drop of tears which fell off my cheeks when i cried, and lifted me up every time my knees felt tired, this road had seen me grow up, this road which has seen my little face grow a beard and my tiny feet stay tiny, this road is where I've been all life, may be this road is what the world calls life.

"A little sweet, a little sour
a little close, not too far.."
"All i need, all i need,
all i need is to be free.."

I know I've grown up, but i do not know why there's always a child inside me who laughs very loud on stupid jokes, who unknowingly starts dancing to tunes with no worry what so ever, a child who cannot stop himself from inserting a piece of paper into a burning candle or spitting while looking down from the top floor, who starts walking backwards just to see how kool it looks to the see every one stare at you. And even as I now walk on this road, this child inside lives on without an ounce of thought of the future, to this child all that matters is the present, and for him it is indeed a present. This road knows who this child is, coz this is where this child learned to walk. This is where I fell down, this is where I got up, may be this is what the world calls home.

I've fallen down numerous times,  may have lost the count. E ach time though I had the strength to get up again. And here I was sitting in front of destiny writers and answering questions which had nothing to at all with who I am, who I was, but it did affect who I  was going to be. Away from home, away from friends, the only company was  my shadow, perhaps the only thing that never leaves you and without you ever noticing laughs, dines and even dies with you. Only that shadow knows that I was who I am on that day in front of that panel. That it was who I am who laughed when the panel tried hard to get angry, It was who I am when I said I'd jump into a pit without knowing what's in there. And that it was the same who-I-am guy who felt shot in the heart on a bright little sunday when those destiny writers had chosen to write him off. So many drops of tears fell off that shadow that day, so many cups of hope fell down the sky on hard ground, so many prayers reached a dead end.

"Let me in without a shout..
let me in I have a doubt.
There are more, many more,
many many many more like me."


The little boy had fallen on his knees, all his courage drenched at the very sight that all that his hard work could manage was a straight reject. It doesn't feel good to see the only dream get shattered like anything. It kills to start all over again, the very look at those full notebooks takes me back to that panel, and that same question being asked.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side,
then I glide like a bird,
I just want to be."

All that remains is the obsession which still doesn't go away, I cannot let myself bow down. With all that's left in me I will go again and this time the results wont matter, may be that's what I was, that's what I've always been, may be that is what I am.
 "Will you jump into a pit without knowing what's in there?".... "Yes Sir." 

A Lost Key of my Life

Write something, read it once, read it twice, delete it, forget it and then close it. I've been doing just that for the past one year. Aaarghh.. i just deleted the entire thing and wrote everything all over again. I don't know why I always end up finding something missing and decide to rub it all and forget it. May be it was something I never noticed, something my little mind could not fathom. Something that I felt was locked in a locker and I never had the keys. For the past so many years, I had lost so many such keys , so many lost lockers, and so many lost artifacts to let me know who the hell I am, this time though I found that lost locker which had all the lost keys, which is why I could not delete the entire stuff.

Let me make it short, I screwed up one more time just like the last time, ran like a dog behind an elusive cat and only ended up falling in a gutter, felt bad, felt worse than ever. And just when I was confused whether to quit or cut some little artery and end it like forever, the small little mirror in my room seemed like it was looking at me, it felt as if it wanted to talk. I looked at it for almost an hour and then i realized that I had finally found that lost locker, that lost locker which had all those keys, God damn it I realized who I am. Who the hell I am.

Quitters never win and winners never quit kinda shit was not what I felt. My heart was already depressed enough not to think all that crap. In those eyes in the mirror I saw a drop of tear and in the light of an unknown bulb even the tear shined like gold, may be that was the only thing beautiful about tears. I realized that even a tear could be gold, all it needed was light and a pair of eyes to feel it.

All i had to do was then listen to some cold music and close my eyes, for all i had to do was follow my dream. I've always had the dream where I build up the business my Dad created and take it up to heights that the entire industry would admire. Make it reach the entire world so that none would be far from what we had to sell, a dream where I build the entire industry so big that some day some vishnu would dream of making an industry just like mine. And if i had to make this come true, I needed no damn cat to prove that I AM capable, I needed no damn college to brand me for life, I'd rather hire such branded-for-life men and make THEM work on MY dream. There was an unnatural feeling, I felt I could do it just because I could already see it. My ability needs no boundaries, I don't even have a plan, all I have is a dream, a dream I see every day and night. I might just've opened some of those locked lockers, for I felt so clear about myself like never before. With clarity came the confidence, with confidence came the courage, and with courage I said it to myself, I am no crap. I SEE what I want to be and if that is what is called vision then I didnt need any degree to help me, all i had to do was stand on the pillars called Clarity Confidence and Courage, and once I did, the little vision has NO boundaries, it needs NO degrees, NO results, NO percentiles...all it needs is pair of eyes to see and a pair of hands to do...and one of the lockers told me I already had both.