I don't know if what i am writing is comprehensible, reprehensible,sententious, simply inscrutable or just insouciant rubbish , but i am painting my heart out on this canvas and for me it no longer matters if it's worth even a penny of praise or curse. Abstruse as it may seem, my mind is no different. Complex, terse, spectral, sordid or whatever one would call, it ain't far from a guess.
Life as it's quite common for everyone is full of bonds. Technical, emotional, psychological, and even professional bonds. My mind ain't different. Bonds Bonds and more bonds; covalent,ionic and magnetic. The problem arises when these bonds start tightening and make it difficult to respire. That problem is one of those in which i am just not able to find a way out. All around there's a feeling of being lost in a labyrinth of blood, a labyrinth of relations, a chakravyuh destined to kill you, a feeling that makes me feel no less than an Eklavya who did everything he could but still succumbed to the chakravyuh. For the first time in my life I've ran out of solutions.
"Never opened my self this way...
Life is ours, we live it our way..." ,says Metallica. Am feeling no different. "All these words i don't just say....
And nothing else matters...".
Few days back i felt if i were a child....but now i dont. I do not want to relive these days where each second I am dying. A Hemorrhage that can't be cured. A Mind that has not yet healed, for everyday it gets hurt. There are so many ways to kill someone, but there's one way that has killed me not once, but many many times. Words. Sometimes some words make ya feel great, some words can make ya happy, some words can make you cry, but there are some words that kill. Some words that take no time to pierce through the otherwise impregnable mind. I have enough holes in there caused by these simple looking words. And it Hurts. It Kills.
These wounds seem to have become septic now, for they are spreading to every known corner of my mind, body and soul. On a race where at every moment one needs to be focused to achieve the goal, I seem to be having a leaking fuel tank.
With no mordant or sardonic feelings or animosity or any invidious comments,I need to tell something. I am not a bigot, I am not an angry boy who doesn't care, and for god's sake i am not Selfish.!!! I may not be able to express my love the way you would want me to, I may be a coconut from outside but i am no less than milk inside. I love everyone...I care for everyone from the bottom of my heart. Please don't use words that kill, I wont be able to take that anymore. Am alive just for a small little Bond i care. Am already a recluse, please don't make me a forlorn waste. I've already lost all my energy, help me. Am down and Out.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
In Memory of Memories..
For the last few days i had not been in any mood to even talk to anyone. I just wanted to stay alone in my room and have just silence as company. I was depressed. The worst i had ever been; may be i had changed, may be something was wrong with me, but whatever that was...it hurt.
I was just looking around in my room so that i could distract myself from suicidal thoughts and suddenly one thing caught my eye...it was a photo. My childhood photo, my school group photo, Vth A section,VTConvent. I was not smiling(i still dont know why),nor where those who were standing close to me. But there was one group in the pic that was not just smiling but laughing, and that too in the weirdest possible manner they could, i could not help but laugh looking at that photo as i could see the ease with which laughs could spread in a group when everyone was silent and just 10 yrs old!!
That was more that a decade ago, when i didnt even know the spelling of depressed. Single 'S' or double.?? i wish i was in school again...
School...when every morning i woke up late,dressed up as fast as i could after the world's fastest bath, and ran like hell to reach before 7:10am. As always, i used to reach at 7:15(despite of living next to the school)...it was then i realized that i was definitely not alone!! I always had company. And when you could finally reach in time on any day, it was then you realized that you hadn't cut the nails(so eat them up as fast as u can!!),you hadn't polished your shoes(so use the back of ur socks as fast as u can!!), Loose Socks!!(so look in ur pocket 4 the emergency rubberband!!),Tie doesn't have a knot(tie it!!!!!),The Green House badge is missing( beg for one around!!)....and after all those efforts....you would end up caught for long hair!!! I wish i was in School again....
Inside the class, you cursed the teacher for remembering the homework(of course when you didnt do that!!). And when she asked us, the best reason that still works many times...."Ma'm I did the Homework, but I forgot the copy". And as always...me and my friends continued talking....outside the class!!(coz it was the third time in 3 days my friends and I had said the same reason to the same teacher!!!) And then cursed the teacher for slapping us in front of the class. I wish i was in that class again...
In the Break: "Thank you god for the food we eat..."(a prayer that was said way faster than what was meant to be) followed by " Thank you MADAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"(thats exactly how it can be spelled!!)
Fights were common. The one who did not obey the groups orders was ostracized from the group and no one would talk to him. Those were rules. Group rules that were subject to change...any moment. Coz if your friend breaks the rule, the rule was changed. And at any moment, a friend would be called a foe...and the very next moment...he would be a friend again(lack of memory may be!). Well that was the best part of childhood...many fights...many quarrels...but still no foes..all friends!!
And when the long bell struck, "Oh my god...thank you very much for the day...."
in fifteen seconds, the long prayer used to be over,and with that the end of all enmity or jealousy, ego or anger,whatever was present. By the time we walked back home, everyone was a friend again, everyone was happy again,and every shoe was dirty again...
I wish i was a Kid again...no ego...no worries...no anger..no hurries...no enemies...just a ten yr old...who never knew what depression was...single 's' or double ....
I was just looking around in my room so that i could distract myself from suicidal thoughts and suddenly one thing caught my eye...it was a photo. My childhood photo, my school group photo, Vth A section,VTConvent. I was not smiling(i still dont know why),nor where those who were standing close to me. But there was one group in the pic that was not just smiling but laughing, and that too in the weirdest possible manner they could, i could not help but laugh looking at that photo as i could see the ease with which laughs could spread in a group when everyone was silent and just 10 yrs old!!
That was more that a decade ago, when i didnt even know the spelling of depressed. Single 'S' or double.?? i wish i was in school again...
School...when every morning i woke up late,dressed up as fast as i could after the world's fastest bath, and ran like hell to reach before 7:10am. As always, i used to reach at 7:15(despite of living next to the school)...it was then i realized that i was definitely not alone!! I always had company. And when you could finally reach in time on any day, it was then you realized that you hadn't cut the nails(so eat them up as fast as u can!!),you hadn't polished your shoes(so use the back of ur socks as fast as u can!!), Loose Socks!!(so look in ur pocket 4 the emergency rubberband!!),Tie doesn't have a knot(tie it!!!!!),The Green House badge is missing( beg for one around!!)....and after all those efforts....you would end up caught for long hair!!! I wish i was in School again....
Inside the class, you cursed the teacher for remembering the homework(of course when you didnt do that!!). And when she asked us, the best reason that still works many times...."Ma'm I did the Homework, but I forgot the copy". And as always...me and my friends continued talking....outside the class!!(coz it was the third time in 3 days my friends and I had said the same reason to the same teacher!!!) And then cursed the teacher for slapping us in front of the class. I wish i was in that class again...
In the Break: "Thank you god for the food we eat..."(a prayer that was said way faster than what was meant to be) followed by " Thank you MADAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"(thats exactly how it can be spelled!!)
Fights were common. The one who did not obey the groups orders was ostracized from the group and no one would talk to him. Those were rules. Group rules that were subject to change...any moment. Coz if your friend breaks the rule, the rule was changed. And at any moment, a friend would be called a foe...and the very next moment...he would be a friend again(lack of memory may be!). Well that was the best part of childhood...many fights...many quarrels...but still no foes..all friends!!
And when the long bell struck, "Oh my god...thank you very much for the day...."
in fifteen seconds, the long prayer used to be over,and with that the end of all enmity or jealousy, ego or anger,whatever was present. By the time we walked back home, everyone was a friend again, everyone was happy again,and every shoe was dirty again...
I wish i was a Kid again...no ego...no worries...no anger..no hurries...no enemies...just a ten yr old...who never knew what depression was...single 's' or double ....
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