...and promises to keep

This is what happens when you almost forget your wedding anniversary. You end up taking an unexpected half day at work, find a place to sit in the nearest bus stop, disconnect yourself from the noisy world outside, believe that you're no less than an Oscar Wilde, and try to work some magic to save yourself.

This is what I did this time. When written on an empty handmade card, it works like a charm. Saved my life (quite literally):



Let roses mock my cowardice,
Let vultures prey my fear,
Let the devil nail me upside down,
Let their arrows pierce my ear.
You stood by me when I needed you,
When I knew I was nothing,
You stood by me for who I am,
You made me kill my fear.

With you beside, I am myself,
Not a coward who doesn't care,
With you beside, I am myself,
The world I just don't care,
With you beside, I am myself,
No need for me to hide,
I'll nail the devil upside down, 
If you ever need me my dear.

Three years ago I took my vow,
That I'll be with you forever,
Three stanzas all I am right now,
my soul is yours to own.
Three years ago I made a promise,
A promise I will keep,
I'll stand by you for all years to come,
My dear dearest, my own.


-Vis

The Man in the Mirror

Almost 7 years have gone by since I wrote this (You might wanna read this first):

http://vishnu4ever.blogspot.in/2010/12/loved-once-loved-ones.html

A lot has changed in these 7 years: The world has seen more iPhones than Leaders, more Machine-Learning than Human, more Comedians than Comics, more Foes than Friends, more Servers than Servants, more priorities than realities, more Gun than Pen and more Children than Men. This isn’t the world I was born in, this isn’t the garden of life I was taught the world is, nor is this the society I once enjoyed growing up in. In the middle of all this, in these 7 years, I felt I’d lost myself in the labyrinth of a self-deprecating network of professionalism. In the middle of an air filled with hatred, terror and dismay where for every breath I took I felt myself exhaling a part of my soul , today, after a long time, the laughing man finally spoke to me…

Seven years ago I started on a journey to become what I wanted, a thorough professional, an expert in whatever it is that came in my way, a problem solver whom people could count on. I don’t know if I’ve become one now but I do know that a part of me doesn’t want to be that anymore. There is no fun in solving someone’s problems when my own problems have long remained unsolved. There is no satisfaction that any level of expertise can ever provide. By far the one thing I’ve known to be true is that being a professional entails being predictable, and if by being a thorough professional I’d become thoroughly predictable, what’s the point of being one? In seven years, I’d started to question my own intentions. In a short span of barely 84 months, I’d started to lose faith in my goals. In mere 2500 days, I’d started to lose my own self. But today, for once, after all these years, I heard the laughing man tell me about myself…

As I look back at the journey in these unknown waters I don’t see my family, I don’t see Home, I don’t see my friends. Instead I see distance, I see costly air tickets and I see whatsapp groups. It doesn’t feel good to see friends-since-childhood turn into just-childhood-friends, to see a family-of-four turn into three-families-of-two and to see yourself move from dependent-on-dad to dad-of-a-dependent. If this is what growing up meant, I’d started to feel I was better off never embarking on this journey at all. But this isn’t why I took up to writing today, for today is the day I found myself wandering in the same unseen garden of life - unattended. As I turn almost 30, today as I looked at the man in the mirror wondering where I was headed, I saw a strand of white hair on my beard. A strand of hair which I think stood there all along, hidden in the middle of all the sharp black ones, invisible to the focused eyes of a thorough professional but still there nevertheless. As I look closer I see a few more of them scattered around all over my beard. In the middle of all the chaos that life had drawn me into, I felt I had an epiphany.

I saw that same laughing man I saw seven years ago. Only this time, he spoke to me. I saw in his eyes that as the time machine moves forward, while the beard of responsibilities blackens your face it is that one strand of white positivity, the one strand of being childlike, the one strand of determination, that multiplies and spreads till it becomes the only truth of your soul. I was growing older, no doubt, but I wasn’t losing myself. I was just starting to see the white strands of myself. The shining strands of my character which was behind all that I’d faced over these years. All these years where I fought with myself and my decisions to understand what I was and what I wanted had only made these strands shinier, sharper and stronger. I am not a function of my past, I am instead a result of my endurance, my skill, and my determination which have led my through what I’d experienced in my past. The white strands that only time can bring in your life is what they all call Wisdom.

In the mirror I saw the man I was, telling me that while growing up isn’t all fun, it isn’t something we can run away from, but it is the one thing that chisels out the blackness off your character and makes you who you are. It removes all the stone around you and reveals the piece of art that God created in you. And for that one reason, the laughing man in his sheer remorselessness said, “Growing up is worth it”. 

Maximum City, Minimum Eyes

My P-2 Speech at Mahindra Worli Toastmasters. Sharing with you the text: 

cheers!

Maximum City, Minimum Eyes:

I've often wondered how this humongous city lives on this tiny little piece of land. It was always something for which I never got the right answer, I've got answers - Yes, but never really knew if it was right. For that matter, I didn't even know if a right answer exists for this question. How can people suffer this much, this long? Why do people endure these over filled trains every damn day to their office? Why do they take the same train every day? Why don't they want to escape from here? Why are they here? 

Under this pressure, Under this weight,

Who are these people? What are they?

With all these questions in my mind, on a bright April evening, I took my train to Mumbai.

Early morning as the train entered Mumbai, I had started to get answers to some of those questions. Outside the window was garbage. Right next to the Garbage was someone's home with a whole bunch of people playing cards. A tiny little home on which was another tiny little home with even more people inside. What was most memorable was that moments later i was greeted by a beautiful view of 3 men sitting in a straight line near the garbage, two of them facing the train and 1 with his back towards it, trying to get their daily accounts with the nature cleared. I really don't know if there's a better way to say that here. That, my friends, was a sight! I will never forget that. By the time I reached my destination the smell of fish in some corner of the platform silently entered my lungs and as I started to sweat profusely for no reason, I realized I was finally in Mumbai.

The next day was the first time I took the train to Office. I never knew that the whole damn world would descend upon this small little platform i was standing on just to get to work. I skipped 3 trains expecting the world to run out of men for the next train. This, was my first mistake. Mumbai is never out of people for the next train. With my  heart in my mouth, I tried to enter the next train, my second mistake. I was pushed out by people getting down from the train. Somewhere inside I registered my first lesson for the day: You never TRY to enter the train, just let go and The Force will take you inside. 

When The Force took me inside finally, my hands were locked in someone else's arms while holding the overhead grip as I was still near the door. Standing next to me was a random guy in random formals with a bag over his shoulders and effortlessly hanging on the doors holding onto the grip as if like a curtain. The next station was Mulund, and as this station approached this guy looks at me, at the top of his voice, starts shouting GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Shocked to the end my wits I looked at him and all he did was look me in the eye and continue with this GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..for a second i thought i had stepped on his feet. I hadn't, but he was still going on! I started looking elsewhere in an attempt to try to ignore and prayed that he wasn't a terrorist. 

As the platform approached, It was then that this guy finished what he had started with..."AAAAANNNNPATI BAPPPAA.." and the whole bogie erupted with "...MOOORYAAAAAA!!". Good god I was shocked, relieved, humbled, numb, bamboozled and awestruck..all at once. I had no idea where on earth had I suddenly landed. Somewhere inside I registered my first question that day : "WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?"

Days passed by as I continued to wonder how this city manages to survive, I got used to seeing these crowded platforms and crowded trains full of lonely people. All around me I saw chaos, randomness, sadness and tension on the faces of these people. Mumbai was after all a place full of people who didn't know each other, I thought. I wondered why it was even called the Maximum City. This land didn't care for people, It doesn't care about relations, it doesn't have love and for the sake of humanity, this land doesn't value life.

It took me 4 months to realize how wrong I was.

August 2015, a usual day in office and as always I had to rush to take my train back home. As I rushed past hundreds of random lonely faces to reach my train's door, I didn't realize that my shoe's laces had fallen in love with each other. In the middle of this crowded Thursday they had managed to fall into each others arms and had already tied a knot. As I took my leap of faith to enter the train's door, by God's grace or what I don't know, I tripped. As my knees hit the platform I felt as if the whole world had paused. I could hear my heart beat but I knew it was about to stop. I wanted to move but I couldn't. Paralyzed by sheer fear I just looked at my feet and saw that the laces were now stuck on the door's corner and then I saw the mighty remorseless train had started to move. I was right there, on the platform with one leg on the edge, eyes shocked and wide open, my right hand still on the platform as I watched my feet being rubbed and dragged by a train which was slowly picking up speed. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't see a thing, for a moment i had resigned from life for I knew that within moments I might just be under the next bogie's wheels. In a fraction of a second my whole life seemed to be played in front of my eyes, my parents, my friends, my love. The next bogie was mercilessly coming too soon as I felt my left foot dragged under the train force now. I tried to reach out to an unknown force out there with my left hand but deep within myself, for the first time in my life, I registered how it felt when you know you're about to die.

It was then that in the middle of those family pictures in my mind that I saw a hand. A random hazy hand which had come to me from out of nowhere. All my teared up eyes could see was that the hand was from someone inside the train. I did not realize that the hand had gripped my stretched left hand and in a jerk picked me up with the moving train's force. I felt my legs back up and as that random hand jerked once more I was pulled inside the train. It took me a few seconds to realize what had just happened for the last i remembered, I was almost dead. As I came back to my senses I saw that this random hand had a random face, one of those millions of faces I had ignored all these days. One of those faces whom I had labelled lonely in this crowded world. Little did I know that this random face had just saved my life. Within moments this random guy, whom I couldn't even thank, got down at the next station. I tried to watch him as he went, and as my teary eyes recorded each moment, within me, there was something which knew that this random guy had given me all my answers. As I was tracing the random guy silently walk past the crowd, I heard this voice inside me which said I had my answers for I saw this guy walk past the same crowds that I used to in the same lonely way that I used to. For the first time in my life, inside my head, inside my mind, from the deepest corners of my heart, I knew these answers were right. That random guy who'd saved my life was the soul of this beautiful city. That random guy who saved my life was Mumbai.

That horrifying experience left me with something I'd cherish forever. It gave me beautiful set of new eyes to look at the world around me. Through these eyes I realized that what I saw outside was always a reflection of what I had within me. All that chaos, all that randomness, all that loneliness was never Mumbai, it was always me! Through these new eyes I now started seeing a mother's love for her kid when I saw her smile at a phone call from "Son" on her phone. I started seeing peace inside the person who in the middle of a hyper crowded train found time to sleep. The same eyes which saw Garbage now saw how much life was valued in this city, for even Garbage wouldn't stop them from living a happy life. People didn't suffer here, for them this is home. Through these eyes I saw that the reason people travel in the same train is just to get to meet and speak to the same people every day. People always live here, in spite of the pressure, on this tiny little piece of land, not because they're fools but because behind every breeze of fresh air that blows in this city it brings with it that one glue which makes you live one more day, the glue of life called Hope.

 From Garbage to Loneliness, it wasn't Mumbai, it was all me. For Mumbai was just that random guy who tells you the time, who asks you to take the next left turn, who tells you that it's a one way, who tells you about the next station, and for all those who need, Mumbai is the guy who'd lend you a hand to lift you out of trouble. It didn't take me long to realize, that in reality, that for once and for ever, i had fallen in love with Mumbai. Somewhere deep within, I registered my answer:

"Under this pressure,

Under this weight,

They are diamonds,

taking shape..."

The next morning, with a much lighter mind, a much clearer view, I took that same train, went to that same spot near the door, put my bag over my shoulders, and as Mulund station arrived, with utmost peace inside me, held the grip like a curtain, to the sheer dismay of another young boy standing next to me, I screamed at the top of my voice....GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNPAATTIIIII BAPPPPAAAAAA...MORRRYAAAA

Anti Notional

There's whole lot of new stuff that's been going on around. Understanding Gravitational Waves is probably the easiest of them all. Things don't change themselves out of nowhere, well that's Physics. What is difficult to understand is how people bypass all their experience, all their knowledge, all their senses, and start believing in bull shit that some talking head speaks on TV. I've often wondered if we're any different from the mice that followed Pied Piper's music and disappeared with all their identities into a generalized lesson that the world teaches its kids.

 Whenever logic has erased itself from the minds of the learned, it is often replaced by blindness. We're all "logical", "educated" and "scientific" when we watch Paresh Rawal debate the presence of God in a movie on TV, but suddenly turn into blind fools when we change the channel and hear some TV news anchor blabber his crooked opinion as news. Are we really so lost that mere words can replace all our life's gains and turn us into brainless followers of bullshit? Are we so gullible that "Are you with us or against us?" erases every bit of what was once a calm and peaceful mind and turns you blind? Why do we let our minds so badly undefended? Why do we suddenly suspend all our senses? Why do we even listen to those fools on TV?

"If you wanna break free,'
You better listen to me,
You've got to learn how to see
In your fantasy"

There are people around you who've always believed in only one Mathematical operator...division. Give them some human beings and they'll call them Hindus and Muslims. Give them a Hindu they'll call some Brahmins and some others Dalits. Give them a Muslim and they'll turn them into Sunnis and Shias. Give them a Man and they'll call him Black or White. Give them a woman and they'll call her Fat or Thin. To all those fools who consider themselves to be representing a certain division I have but one question: This man that man, Black n White n Brown man - Tell me about the color of your soul. Brother, I wanna be a Human Being - not a Human Doing.

I am done with these fools polluting my TV and my mind with all their baseless crap which has nothing to do with my life. I seriously do not care why some scholar kills himself - if the scholar hasn't learned to value his life what kinda scholar is he? I seriously do not care why some University students protest against the government - if the student hasn't learned to value his time what kinda student is he? I seriously do not care which journo gets beaten up by whom - if the journo doesn't know the difference between facts and opinions then what kinda journo is he? 

If you, right now, want to punch me in my face, throw ink at me, throw slippers at me, raise slogans against me, send me to Pakistan...all I have to ask you is this:    

I really don't care about your notions, what kinda person does that make me? Remember Pied Piper?

Introverted Polynomial

Introverted Polynomial:

My silence hits unnerving chords
My sadness hits my tears.
My mind could blurt a thousand words
My eyes could sing a curse.
My arms and legs had seen it all
yet my face would still not tell
how peaceful I have been outside
with chaos all these years.

Everyday I see these files
I wonder if at all,
the file is how my life has been
no blunder yet to fall.
With pages filled with words and lies
I lay calm on my desk,
no brow would move in this damn war
my face would be my wall.

The world may find my silence bore
my way of life unclear.
My doldrums loud and seldom proud
my attitude not dear.
The world may ask me to grow up
for my wall is what they see,
but when this war is old and done
the world would know for real,
that far beyond their words and lies,
and deep within my fort,
inside my soul is where I know
I will conquer my fear.
I will conquer my fear.


-Vis

Mum Bye

Among the several millions that rush towards a hallucination, I am just one. every step i take ahead leaves behind a mark and to be judged on that mark is what hallucination is. Whenever I have been put into a forgettable place, in the darkness I seek my thoughts, in the cold i seek my destiny, in the black i seek my freedom. Life has its own roller coasters which move on its own beats, rushes on its own fuel, falls on its own might and to be riding on that is what freedom is.

Into another darkness I move now, without a clue which way the roller coaster's going. Every morning I see a bunch of children sleeping on the footpath, dirty, filthy and yet on their faces is a smile that costs them nothing. Right next to them were walking well dressed children going to some big shot school to learn how to get rich, how to stay clean, and how to build footpaths. I wonder which way the roller coaster went for them for inside those heavy bags are expensive notions and on the footpath are worthless dreams. After all, to be on the wrong side of fortune and yet find a reason to smile while the whole world rests on a string of hope is what dream is.

I am now in a city with a 100 million others. Not one soul here cares about that number, not one soul would worry that their lives are as hard as a feather. But within each one here lies a dream, a dream that refuses to fall, on which clings each day of their lives. An unperturbed and an un-quenching thirst to succeed, and an unnerving yet un-erasable will they call Faith. After all, to be walking on a road of unknown lengths holding on to a feather of hope, while hurdles drain away your strength, is what Life is.

Here I am standing on a platform waiting for a train. The train that has delivered the dreams of millions in this city and robbed the millions of many lives. On this platform stand several others like me, waiting for a miracle to change their lives, but deep within they know it well that if every day is a struggle then deep within they are
warriors. Among them I stand without a clue of life or how it will be ahead and all I have is a bag full of notions, a mind full of dreams, a heart that clings on to a hope, and a smile that costs nothing.

As the train finally arrives, I close my eyes and let myself free and let that flow of time take me to the ride of the roller coaster, a roller coaster called Life.

Resume

Cricket
Movies
Facts
Quizzes
History
India
Human Behavior
Geography
Indian Economy
Physics
Politics
Mahabharata
Chess
Minesweeper
Rubiks Cube
Oratory
Writer
Dance
Sing
Fiction
Music
Engineering
Electronics
Mathematics
Table Tennis
Tata Consultancy Services
Moodys Corporation
Mahindra & Mahindra
IBM Mainframe
COBOL
DB2
Java
C C++
SQL Server
RapidSQL Sybase
Excel VBA
C#.NET
VB.NET
Tally ERP
R Studio
R Shiny
HTML CSS
Trustworthy
Talkative
Friend
Best Friend
Brother
Husband
Son

...and yet an Idiot.