Ein-stain...

"There's a darkening sky before me,
there's no time to prepare,
Salvage a lost horizon,
but no regrets from me."

After a while as i was listening to this song, the words which continued ringing inside me were simply,"No more lies". As these words keep ringing inside me day in and day out, ther's just one feeling inside me, exactly what the song was saying to me, "No more Lies". I have become an Engineer, but i still never have had the feeling that I am of the same grade the poor workers call "Engineer Saheb", Never have i had a pulse inside me that says people like "me" changed the lives of the people by creating the change, never had a joy inside my heart where i felt i could be a change people needed; all this time, I never felt I was an "Engineer".

I've grown up watching tv, watching The Discovery channel, The National Geographic channel. I've grown up watching people build robots, watched people make gadgets which could change lives, I've grown up seeing people who create soda makers from just junk. I had seen men working on huge satellites in no gravity, I had seen them wearing the white aprons and working in white labs, with huge computer screens which showed some unknown numbers to which they stared and celebrated, I'd seen them make robots walk n talk, Robots which could go to the moon. That's what an Engineer was for me. I wondered what i was then. Was i a 'life changer'? No. Was I a good mechanic? No. Was i good in labs? No. Could i make robots? No. Could i make supercomputers? No. I never even had my own apron, and the closest i could get to the moon was from my terrace! And yet i was an Engineer. Was I an Engineer? No. "No more lies"

I was still an Engineer. An engineer whose projects could never work. An Engineer who never knew answers to the questions which started with "Why". I was an Engineer who worked all the semester to make sure he didn't have a fight with the teacher, an engineer whose only aim was to clear the exam. I was an Engineer who took his fone to a shop to get it repaired, who called the "computerwala" when the computer didn't start, an Engineer who dialed the Electrician's number the moment the cooler didn't start or the mixer died. An engineer who could never write proper answers to questions he'd never seen before. All that i knew was which questions could come in the next paper , how to rewrite lines in the answer to make it long, how to sign like the teacher, i was an engineer who knew which movie dvd was coming up soon, but never knew how the dvd player worked, an Engineer who could never become an Engineer. Still I was an Engineer, I'l never know "why".
I was an Engineer who always listened to Pink Floyd's songs and felt that it was really a song you wanted to sing loud in the class when the teacher shouted at you.
"We don't need no Education,
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom,
Teacher leave us kids alone
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."

I was an Engineer who felt that song was for me. And in the end, there was a darkening sky before me, with no time to prepare, i'd salvaged a lost horizon, still no regrets from me....."No more lies".

And as I watch numerous students in their tenth standard passing with 96, 97 percentages, I feel happy that the future will have so qualified people, with so many big colleges, so many teachers, so many books, nearly a hundred thousand Engineers pumped into the system every year, it makes me feel happy. But what kind of Engineers? Like me?? I know not all of them would be like me, but even if there's one Ein'stain like me amidst all other Einsteins, I know there would be someone somewhere who would feel the same as me some day.....

"All in all I'm just another brick in the wall"

Feeling Hot Hot Hot!!

My friend Anushree just returned from her Himalayan expedition. She was in the mountain ranges for nearly 10 days, playing in the snow, walking on the ice, and bearing the chilling wind that would flow in the region and would literally freeze their noses. The temperature was always near zero and they had no scope for electricity and so had to light fires wherever they went in order to keep themselves warm. They had to trek for 4 to 5 hours at a stretch and that was indeed tiring, very tiring! At every stage there were people who could not bear the intensity of the trek and backed out to go home. And for all this time, when she was walking on the rocks trembling on their edges and adjusting the heavy baggage at every step- ready to eat whatever she could lay her hands on -listening to stories of people dying in the snow, I was.....

....I was opening the fridge for the 14th time in 3 hours, to get the cold water bottle and it felt as if the bottle just refused to get cold. For which i then open the freezer-the only place where I've felt real snow- only to realize that water does not freeze in an hour! And when you finally get some cold water, the only thing i felt was some sleep in front of the cooler, I jump on to the couch, feel the air hit my my body and then i realize.....the cooler had run out of water. It was pumping in super heated air and it felt as if i was standing on the wrong side of an exhaust!! With a lot of frustration and anger, when i fill in the water in the cooler's tank which always refuses to be full quickly and justt when the tank is full, there comes a call,"abey apna result agaya!! college jaana hai!!"
And from home I had to go on a trek...

A trek (literally), to college, the only difference being while Anushree was at around 8 degree Celsius in the sun, I just had to add a 4 to it, a 4 before the 8 which made it a god damn 48 deg !!!! And trust me, it kills!!! The moment i stepped outside, i felt a chill through my spine, which was perhaps the last chill i felt for the day!! Coz the moment later i was surrounded by a wave of something, something god damn hot!!! It moves through the face, through your eyes, your nose,through the ears and reaches your brain and simply boils it like water! While Anushree was siting around a fire trying to warm her hands and legs, I felt my hands and legs to have caught fire, man they were really on fire!!! While Anushree was looking at water get frozen in no time, I too did, the only difference being I was watching the water disappear in no time, god it was HOT HOT HOT!

After the terrible trek to college, the moment i reached home, i realized how important chappals were!! When Anushree would've been walking on chilling ice under her feet, I felt i was walking on the Sun, the blistering heat would've melted me completely had i stayed there for some more time bare footed. And after the great great trek , i had finally reached my igloo. I justt loved the sight of the cooler buzzing. I opened the door, rushed inside, opened the fridge, and i can't explain my happiness when i saw a chilled ice packet in the freezer (my Himalayas), I ate that ice with all my love and each sound of the crumbling ice was a relief. And after all the terrible heat that i had just faced, after all the news of people dying in the sun, all the heat that almost melted me out, all the sweat that flowed like tap water, all the energy that drained out as if in a sink, all that i saw was the couch, all that i heard was the cooler's buzz, all that i knew was that the cooler's tank was full, and when with a feeling that all my troubles were about to get over, i walked slowly to my couch, the cool air hitting my face gently, i lay down on the couch with all my relief, i closed my eyes ready to dream.......AUR LINE GAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Sell-Fish

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am trying to see if plain repetition of words i HATE most can change me to become the meaning of those words...


This has been tried on me for a long time, let me see if it works...apologies.

As Loud as Silence...

Past few weeks I have found a lot of peace in silence. I am falling in love with it. The silence which let all bad stay at bay, and let in only the stuff you want to hear. Silence which was louder than anything. I still cant stop writing about the silent world I am living in. I was watching Independence Day and saw that the Aliens were moving whole of their civilization from one planet to other. For a second, just for a second I thought if we humans could do that. That one second was silence. The very next second I had the answer. And the very next second was again...silence.

The Answer was just a few channels away. People like Bin Laden would plant a bomb in the ship we all move in. People like George Bush would not allow Muslims in it. People like Dawood Ibrahim would kill Indians in there. People like John F Kennedy would be shot. People like Karkare would be killed. And in the end, goats like Kasab will be hanged. All that would be left to take to the other planet would be silence.

"Darkness coming around,
And everybody fight with the brother.
Every body wants control,
Don't hesitate to kill one another."

I look for other channels, and I don't find anything new. Even Astha channel!! God seems to be readily available there as if for sale!! I enjoyed it for some time seeing the way he was saying stuffs, and when the camera panned, i saw a crowd all siting and listening....in silence. The Long haired man (as they all are!) was called a god's messenger and all he said was considered by people as God's words. For a second, just for a second a thought ran through my mind silently...Shri Rama, Shiva, Buddha, Krishna, Jesus, Allah...So many gods, so many forms, so many halos, yet one message. The very next second came another thought...in silence... So many names, so many texts, so many followers, so many people yet so much hatred. No matter how much the God man says, no matter how many god men speak, the world was going to be just listening to it...in silence. So God :

"Come back as Jesus
Come back and save the world,
Bless all the future of every boy and girl,
Come back as Rama,
Forgive us for what we've done,
Come back as Allah,
Come back as anyone."

My world has indeed broken up, shattered to pieces, pieces called caste, religion, color. The world has split into continents, continents into countries, countries to states, states to cities, cities to people and people into religions, religions into castes. Why.??? I may never know, all that i can do now is switch off the TV and dream of a world for all people, a world where people have one religion...Humanity. A world which is not split to pieces, world with no castes, no hatred, a world which could move from one planet to other with everyone on board. Till then all i have with me is one thing uniform across the continents, uniform in all religions, present in all gods, across all countries, the thing I've fallen in love with... silence.

Mao Jao..

Its been long. People dying for no cause. People being killed for no fault of theirs. People killed by their own countrymen. It feels no good to be seeing that too often. People killing fellow countrymen without even knowing the reason why.
Few days back i had the chance to know what must have been going through the minds of the killers about why they did all that they did(!). I read an interview of Arundhati Roy (thanx to Bro's classmate Vinay), only to realize some things of the other side. But i cannot find a convincing reason to kill innocents. I am a fan of Ms. Roy, but still I found no reason good enough to answer the cry of the 2 yr old son of a slain soldier. I found nothing that could justify the bombing of a school meant for tribals. I found no reason to call the bloody naxalites 'Indians'.
I understand that the people have faced terrible atrocities and they are forced to take up arms. I truly understand it when she says," What can one do when one's wife is being raped.?, take up arms.." Absolutely true. When it comes to such a situation, even i would take up arms. I would have had no problem with that. But will i shoot some one who had nothing to do with it?? Will i just shoot anyone who looks like the rapist.?? Aren't these Naxals taking arms against the wrong enemy.?? Aren't they shooting with a blind eye ?

The problem i know is not easy to be solved. The villagers in those areas are victims of cruel actions by some police officials, certainly there are such officials who deserve to be hanged by the noose with absolutely no mercy. But then there are also police officials who work for their welfare, who work to remove such problems, who work to remove the stains caused by the bad men in their own dept. Why do these officers die to naxal fire.?? By the time the naxals reach the bad man's office, the bad man would have fled miles away, and left an honest scapegoat to be mercilessly killed in vengeance. By the time the badman reaches his hideout, the other man is beheaded, and his head held up for public view. This may not be Maoism, but this sure is Naxalism in India. I am sorry Ms. Roy, i cannot say to the family of the dead soldier that he died because of a people's war. I am sorry Ms. Roy, I don't call this "people's war".
If it's injustice they are fighting against then why are they not interested in peace.? They have raised their voice loud enough to be heard by everyone and still they call themselves Maoists and kill more people who have nothing to do with it. In fact the reasons Ms. Roy has mentioned are no different than the reasons why the LTTE was born. The modus operandi is no different than that of the Taliban. The only difference being that the Naxals are in India, the LTTE in Srilanka. And if the Naxals continue what they've been doing for longer, they'll definitely end up where the LTTE is right now...heaven or perhaps hell.

The only solution for the atrocities faced by the poor in those areas in through talks, which can only be possible if the naxals stop violence. Unconditional talks, as Ms. Roy expects, is stupid. That's something like having a meeting with them in a room while they kill people outside the room!! What we need is a Govt which can hear the the people's calls. A judiciary which does not hesitate in hanging corrupt officers, a system where corruption is held similar to terrorism. Till then, no matter how many Ms. Roys or Chidambarams come in, we'll have someone somewhere who'll be taking up a gun and will start shooting in the dark.

Buck Buck Buckwaas!!

The Home Minister says, "The Buck stops at the CM's table.", and with that starts a blame game where every other politician puts an indirect blame on some other politician for the massacre of armed men from the Central Reserve Police Force by the bloody Naxalites.

All this seems to have ended with another "buck" as the Home Minister takes the blame on himself and says," The Buck stops at my table". All bull shit. Buck shit. As these power people keep blaming each other, the bloody Naxalites have blown up another school in Aurangabad. The stupid blame game is never gonna stop what these bloody Naxalites have been doing. They will continue killing innocent people, they will continue blowing hospitals to smithereens, they will continue killing brave doctors. And all these power people do after all that is say "we are deeply hurt", " What happened is wrong", and worse they say, " I had offered to resign" ( reminds me of my school days when i used to say " Did Homework but forgot copy!!" ), and then they'll say, " the Buck stops bla bla bla...". All Buckwaaas..!

When the terrorists attacked Mumbai, did we ever think which country those attackers belonged to? Even if we did, would anyone forgive them if they were Indians? Would we ever be ready for stupid talks with them.? Hell no!! All we care about is their death, all we want is their elimination, all we wish is to uproot them from their bloody tips of their bloody roots. How different are these Naxals to those terrorists.?? The Naxals are also against our democracy, they too kill people mercilessly, they too plant bombs, ambush the police, behead innocents. But why on Earth are we not thinking of eliminating them? Why is the Army not brought in to remove them completely? Why no Air-force.??? Why do we call them Indians? The Home minister says, "the Naxals are finally fellow Indians and so we wont use the Army", I refuse to call these killers 'Indians'. I find no difference between their leader Kishenji (or whatever) and Mullah Omar. I don't see them as our brothers. I don't see them as Men, I don't see them as Indians.

All that i see is a 3 yr old son weeping in front of his father's dead body, a young wife weeping for her newly wed husband who was shot dead by them, a 10 yr old boy who'll wait forever for the bicycle his father promised, Mother of a brave son-who was due to get married next week-weeping in front of his son's motionless body. They don't care what the Home Minister says, they don't care what the bloody Naxals demanded, they don't care why they fired , for all they cared for was lying in front of them, wrapped in the Indian flag , and all they could see were the last sights of the son they brought up with utmost care being brought on four shoulders in a wooden box, all they hear is not the speech of the CM, but the last gunshots fired in front of their son's coffin. For them, the Buck will never stop...

The Insignia of Freedom.

"So close, no matter how far,
Couldn't be much more from the heart,
Forever trusted who you are,
And nothing else matters..."

18 months. All it takes to reach hell. One month. All it takes to come out. A month back, I was in no place within me. Down to the bottom all drained out. I had no idea what i was worth of. I didn't know what to do. I needed some sleep. So i did. I was hibernating. And now, as days just walked past like wind and nights flew like dust, i didn't realize that i was being healed by the greatest healer ever....Time.

" It took all the strength i had not to fall apart,
kept thinking how to mend the pieces of my broken heart"

Time had started its work. It didn't matter to me if i had great scores or not. I was no longer down. I was getting up, getting up to be myself again, getting up to be what i was, what i am and what i will be, no matter what comes in front of me, be it a result, be it marks, be it staring faces, be it hell.

"And i spent all so many nights thinking sorry for myself,
i used to cry, but now i hold my head up high."

I may have stepped on a sharp pebble with soft feet on my first step, but i am no loser to stop running. I am no quitter to start quitting. I had learnt how to face failure, and i was just getting better. I was just out of hell. And i was ready to run. Run harder. I was free. I don't know what powered me on, but i was sure i knew i was lighter, and i was still on my way to my dreams. Time had helped me stick it up, it was no longer shattered, Time had made the dream stronger. Time had made me stronger.

" ...Trust i seek, and i find in you,
Everyday for something new,
Opened mind for a different view,
And nothing else matters."

I was awake. My eyes open, eyebrows down, I looked into the mirror. I knew i was better. I was slimmer, but not weak. I was down, but not out. I may have lost a battle, but the war was still on, and i was not ready to give up. I was ready to fight. Fight my past, in my present, for my future.

"You think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and die,
Oh no, not I, I will survive."

For all my friends who helped me when i needed them, Friends who told me what i was, what i meant to them, Friends who made me realize that i had learned something not many would love to learn, I am up, all woken up. All fired up. The fire's in my eyes, my words are really clear, so Just beat it!!!!

Hell Yeahhh i am back!!!!!!!!