Last Saturday was a day I wont forget for the rest of my life. India had won the World Cup. We were the World Champions.! When Dhoni hit the ball far away into the crowds, a billion hearts went berserk, a billion throats screamed at the top of their limits, 2 billion hands went up and all of them wanted just one thing, to wave the Indian Flag. All hearts wanted to celebrate, dance, drink, scream, wave the flag, and a place to do all this with a thousand others.
My Saturday night was spent with those thousand others and boy that night the whole of Nagpur(for that matter the whole of India) was on the road with a thousand others. For the first time I saw my countrymen forget castes, race, money, religion and every other barrier to simply celebrate. I saw that young blood jump on top of hoardings, those energy filled eyes shouting at the top of their voice, those bodies didn't want any shirts for they were sweating like anything and every drop of sweat they felt was for their motherland and no stitched piece of cotton could be allowed to soak it. I saw unknown men riding behind that steering wheel ask even more unknown men to come and dance on top of their car, these men never thought even for a second whether the one dancing in front of his car spoke which language, they never saw the color of their skin or their religion, these men didn't have time for all that. All they wanted was an outlet to release and realize their love for their country and all that mattered was..... nothing. Every single man, and every single woman felt that surge in their blood to jump with a beat somewhere in the crowd and simply dance to their own tunes just to feel the energy, the happiness, the joy that their country had beaten the hell out of opponents on a cricket field and brought glory to all their hearts. In the middle of all those beats, I realized how Indian I was, how Indian I am.
I realized that these were all Indians who found peace in every little thing in their lives. Indians who will remain silent for almost eternity till the day comes when they realize, relish and release their nationalism and let that Indian come out on the roads to revolutionize this corrupt and sucking system. That day i am sure the same young blood which danced on hoardings will break down those party offices of pseudo secular politics, they would forget all race, religion, caste and every unknown man will join hands with every other unknown man and the whole of India would erupt, ride on unknown cars, and with a beat somewhere in the crowd bring down the entire system. That day I know it wont matter what that powerless old man with a blue turban says, it wont matter if any leaks bring out any stupid past news, it wont matter if any stupid boom boom says we don't have large hearts.
That day every single man and every single woman will feel that very same surge in their blood, beat the hell out of those who've corrupted the system and bring glory to their motherland. On that day we'll become true champions of the world coz all that matters would be....nothing.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
In Love with Love...again!
dedicated to all little hearts which beat together....
FICTION:
I didn't know what had happened to me. My mind was as if in some other world, a world where there were only two people, a world where there were only white clouds every where, sweet breeze to caress her and only the bright moon to watch us. I don't know how to define cloud nine but I knew i had almost taken it on lease, i was staying there for a long time now. I'll never know where i was, all i know is that i was in love, with love.
"Wise men say, only fools rush in,
but i can't help, falling in love with you..."
Every day she was my morning, she was my day and at night she was my dream. The moment she came in front of me, my eyes wanted to freeze that frame and never let it go off my mind, they always looked through all those files and directories in my brain's hard disk and the whole day my mind scanned through those fotos my eyes had taken each time I saw her, each time the breeze made those strands of hair fall on to her face, every time she moved them back to their place and those strands as if on my command came back to that face to make her smile, my eyes kept on clicking lyk a high speed high definition camera and stored each of those images into a secured locker in my heart mind and soul. Even God wont count the number of times I've went inside that secured locker and returned happier than ever, every time i returned I was in love again...
After all that was going on inside my heart, I had to tell her what I felt, I had to make her know that my heart beat doubled every time she smiled, every time I accidentally touched her hand and every time she looked at me with those beautiful little eyes. I wanted to tell her that I never wanted her to leave from in front of me, I wanted to tell her that she was stuck in my heart and was inside every drop of blood it pumped through my body. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I wanted her to know...
"I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
She was right in front of me, holding a cup of icecream, so was I but i really don't remember what icecream it was, how it tasted, how much it cost, flavour, anything!! The only thing I could see was her and the only thing that was going through my mind was how should i say it to her. Never have i ever been so much tensed in my life that I was seeing my hands shiver, my lips numb, my eyes blank! The cup of icecream had no more ice, just cream for i was just mixing all that up with the spoon and never noticed that she was looking at me and my hands all the time, she had seen my hands shiver and saw that i was nervous. she asked me what happened, I couldn't say one damn word. All I did was look at her as my heart was pounding (became a train's engine...again!), I had said it so many times in my dreams, so many times in my thoughts, I had said it so easily. I have no idea why but I could not say a word, not a single word. And After a long pause i answered that i wanted to ask her something, but couldn't answer her next question," WHAT?"
I was saying it inside me, my eyes said it, my hands said it, my heart said it, my mind yelled it, but my lips were mum. I gathered all my courage, calmed myself, and with all my energy only could say, " Bubble, Will you be with me.?" I knew I had not completed but the pause was something I couldn't control. I tried again as I saw her look at me curiously with those little eyes looking straight into mine,
"Bubble, will you be with me?.......Forever?"
I didn't know if she understood what i wanted to say, I didn't know if she had understood how much i wanted her, how much i loved her, how it felt when she was near, how happy I was the whole day when she was with me even even for a minute, for all she did was look at me with her little unblinking eyes. I knew my lips were numb, they had almost sealed themselves shut in utter fear and nerves. I took a piece of paper napkin, and with a little pen wrote what just 2 lines from the song which was played for all this time inside me. I could barely manage two , I wrote:
"Shall I stay, would it be a sin,
If i cant help, falling in love with you..."
She took it from me and saw it, I don't know if she had read it at all coz i saw her look into me almost instantaneously the moment she looked into that piece of paper. There was something I saw in those eyes, those eyes were a little moist, I could feel something i hadn't till now, I felt her nervous, and all we were doing was looking into each others eyes as if they spoke for themselves, as if they had promised each other long back, I was simply looking into her eyes but so was she.!!
And after a much much longer pause, she took that pen from my hand and with shivering hands she wrote two lines beneath mine,
"take my hand, take my whole life too,
for i cant help, falling in love with you.."
FICTION:
I didn't know what had happened to me. My mind was as if in some other world, a world where there were only two people, a world where there were only white clouds every where, sweet breeze to caress her and only the bright moon to watch us. I don't know how to define cloud nine but I knew i had almost taken it on lease, i was staying there for a long time now. I'll never know where i was, all i know is that i was in love, with love.
"Wise men say, only fools rush in,
but i can't help, falling in love with you..."
Every day she was my morning, she was my day and at night she was my dream. The moment she came in front of me, my eyes wanted to freeze that frame and never let it go off my mind, they always looked through all those files and directories in my brain's hard disk and the whole day my mind scanned through those fotos my eyes had taken each time I saw her, each time the breeze made those strands of hair fall on to her face, every time she moved them back to their place and those strands as if on my command came back to that face to make her smile, my eyes kept on clicking lyk a high speed high definition camera and stored each of those images into a secured locker in my heart mind and soul. Even God wont count the number of times I've went inside that secured locker and returned happier than ever, every time i returned I was in love again...
After all that was going on inside my heart, I had to tell her what I felt, I had to make her know that my heart beat doubled every time she smiled, every time I accidentally touched her hand and every time she looked at me with those beautiful little eyes. I wanted to tell her that I never wanted her to leave from in front of me, I wanted to tell her that she was stuck in my heart and was inside every drop of blood it pumped through my body. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I wanted her to know...
"I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
She was right in front of me, holding a cup of icecream, so was I but i really don't remember what icecream it was, how it tasted, how much it cost, flavour, anything!! The only thing I could see was her and the only thing that was going through my mind was how should i say it to her. Never have i ever been so much tensed in my life that I was seeing my hands shiver, my lips numb, my eyes blank! The cup of icecream had no more ice, just cream for i was just mixing all that up with the spoon and never noticed that she was looking at me and my hands all the time, she had seen my hands shiver and saw that i was nervous. she asked me what happened, I couldn't say one damn word. All I did was look at her as my heart was pounding (became a train's engine...again!), I had said it so many times in my dreams, so many times in my thoughts, I had said it so easily. I have no idea why but I could not say a word, not a single word. And After a long pause i answered that i wanted to ask her something, but couldn't answer her next question," WHAT?"
I was saying it inside me, my eyes said it, my hands said it, my heart said it, my mind yelled it, but my lips were mum. I gathered all my courage, calmed myself, and with all my energy only could say, " Bubble, Will you be with me.?" I knew I had not completed but the pause was something I couldn't control. I tried again as I saw her look at me curiously with those little eyes looking straight into mine,
"Bubble, will you be with me?.......Forever?"
I didn't know if she understood what i wanted to say, I didn't know if she had understood how much i wanted her, how much i loved her, how it felt when she was near, how happy I was the whole day when she was with me even even for a minute, for all she did was look at me with her little unblinking eyes. I knew my lips were numb, they had almost sealed themselves shut in utter fear and nerves. I took a piece of paper napkin, and with a little pen wrote what just 2 lines from the song which was played for all this time inside me. I could barely manage two , I wrote:
"Shall I stay, would it be a sin,
If i cant help, falling in love with you..."
She took it from me and saw it, I don't know if she had read it at all coz i saw her look into me almost instantaneously the moment she looked into that piece of paper. There was something I saw in those eyes, those eyes were a little moist, I could feel something i hadn't till now, I felt her nervous, and all we were doing was looking into each others eyes as if they spoke for themselves, as if they had promised each other long back, I was simply looking into her eyes but so was she.!!
And after a much much longer pause, she took that pen from my hand and with shivering hands she wrote two lines beneath mine,
"take my hand, take my whole life too,
for i cant help, falling in love with you.."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monotone-us...
For two months, which felt like no less than 2 years, i felt every inch of the word the world calls "stressed". Every damn day woke up early, ran to office and in office there was always so much in store that one brain always felt insufficient, two hands always too busy and two legs always too slow. For two months while i was being trained, my heart pumped hard because so much was flowing in...so much was needed to flow out as code and so much was left. Time made fun of you, coz every time you checked the time, it was way too ahead of what you thought. But there was something different than usual, my mind had started loving it!! I don't know how or why, but it seemed like it had reversed the word "stressed" and made it "desserts"!!!!!
Today I am in Hyderabad. Away from home, away from friends, away from college. For the first time in my life i've realized what I am without my friends...just an old shoe with open laces...wont fit in anywhere, and will be left out at every step. Here i work for a company which has 200,000 people to work on nearly double number of computers. I work for a company where you work on a computer and some other computer works on you. Today i am one of them.
I miss my friends every day when i enter the office and find numb faces staring at me, every day when i sit on the wooden "bench" made specially for people like me, benches where people have to sit facing away from each other and look at other fellow workers walking away in groups of not more than 2 and talking something i would never understand..
"The different modules u kno ugulululu, i m working on the data side of the beta section but database blasalauausu connectivity!! I told him adu asuglugglalsguglglugugugulululu...luagayalturualu..Database ufyshsanalulublablblublu...beta bhulululu.. (the unknown part was telugu!!!! which i didn't understand one bit!!!!!!).
But there was something i did understand, it was the look on their faces, it was Numb. They bore no expression, eyebrows didn't move, eyes dull, shoulders down, no smile ever, shirt cuffs folded up, dusty shoes, an unclear ID card hanging from the collar, from six pack to rice pack bellies and they all walked slowly. A look on the face where you feel they had lost all hopes of a flying career, all dreams slowly and painfully washing themselves away with every second they spend looking into the computers. There was something which i was never accustomed to, a deserted feeling inside such a huge office with so many people and I found that same feeling reflected in every eye which looked at me every time i laughed out loud or was excited to tell something.
I wanted to know what made them such monotonous machines, i wanted to show them the mirror to let them know how deserted and numb they all looked, how dull they look when they walk slow, I wanted to know if that's what i was going to become in days to come...
I had so many questions to ask,"What do these resource managers do!!" "Why does every second spectacled man look like Ramalinga Raju and every third lady look pregnant!!" "Why don't you all smile ever.??!?" "Why do you allll walk slowww.!!!!!" "Why's every one talking about only 'onsite'!!" "Does ANYONE CARE !!!!!!!!??" "Why are Freshers treated lyk Filth!!!!????" "Does it EVER matter how you feel!!???" but i know nothing would ever come out of those closed minds working around me with numb faces. I don't think any one would ever TELL me the reason why they all looked so heavily monotonous.
It's now 2 weeks I've joined the office here. Every day i have to report to the resource manager who says he has nothing for people without any prior experience and just asks us to go! From a hurried life in Ahmedabad where time was always running out, Time seems to be making fun of me again. With absolutely nothing to do whole day and with rejection and denial every morning, being treated like filth....by the end of the day today i felt something really harsh...
I was losing hopes of a flying career, felt my dreams washing away slowly and painfully, me eyes were dull, eyebrows numb, shoulders down, i didn't want to smile, my shoes were dusty, shirt cuffs folded up and with an unclear ID hanging on my collar, I walked out of the exit....very slowly.
Today I am in Hyderabad. Away from home, away from friends, away from college. For the first time in my life i've realized what I am without my friends...just an old shoe with open laces...wont fit in anywhere, and will be left out at every step. Here i work for a company which has 200,000 people to work on nearly double number of computers. I work for a company where you work on a computer and some other computer works on you. Today i am one of them.
I miss my friends every day when i enter the office and find numb faces staring at me, every day when i sit on the wooden "bench" made specially for people like me, benches where people have to sit facing away from each other and look at other fellow workers walking away in groups of not more than 2 and talking something i would never understand..
"The different modules u kno ugulululu, i m working on the data side of the beta section but database blasalauausu connectivity!! I told him adu asuglugglalsguglglugugugulululu...luagayalturualu..Database ufyshsanalulublablblublu...beta bhulululu.. (the unknown part was telugu!!!! which i didn't understand one bit!!!!!!).
But there was something i did understand, it was the look on their faces, it was Numb. They bore no expression, eyebrows didn't move, eyes dull, shoulders down, no smile ever, shirt cuffs folded up, dusty shoes, an unclear ID card hanging from the collar, from six pack to rice pack bellies and they all walked slowly. A look on the face where you feel they had lost all hopes of a flying career, all dreams slowly and painfully washing themselves away with every second they spend looking into the computers. There was something which i was never accustomed to, a deserted feeling inside such a huge office with so many people and I found that same feeling reflected in every eye which looked at me every time i laughed out loud or was excited to tell something.
I wanted to know what made them such monotonous machines, i wanted to show them the mirror to let them know how deserted and numb they all looked, how dull they look when they walk slow, I wanted to know if that's what i was going to become in days to come...
I had so many questions to ask,"What do these resource managers do!!" "Why does every second spectacled man look like Ramalinga Raju and every third lady look pregnant!!" "Why don't you all smile ever.??!?" "Why do you allll walk slowww.!!!!!" "Why's every one talking about only 'onsite'!!" "Does ANYONE CARE !!!!!!!!??" "Why are Freshers treated lyk Filth!!!!????" "Does it EVER matter how you feel!!???" but i know nothing would ever come out of those closed minds working around me with numb faces. I don't think any one would ever TELL me the reason why they all looked so heavily monotonous.
It's now 2 weeks I've joined the office here. Every day i have to report to the resource manager who says he has nothing for people without any prior experience and just asks us to go! From a hurried life in Ahmedabad where time was always running out, Time seems to be making fun of me again. With absolutely nothing to do whole day and with rejection and denial every morning, being treated like filth....by the end of the day today i felt something really harsh...
I was losing hopes of a flying career, felt my dreams washing away slowly and painfully, me eyes were dull, eyebrows numb, shoulders down, i didn't want to smile, my shoes were dusty, shirt cuffs folded up and with an unclear ID hanging on my collar, I walked out of the exit....very slowly.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Loved once, Loved ones...
Almost one month has passed since I've been here in Ahmedabad. I still cant believe that so much can happen in a month, I am not what i was just a month back. I feel i am some one else, some one i had known existed but could never find. I saw some one who was laughing at me all these years. A sound that was laughing at me every time i was spending my dad's money for no use what so ever. A man who looked at me with a grin and then laughed when i bought something just because i wanted it but never needed it. A cry of laughter every time my bike was filled full tank and i roamed aimlessly never knowing where i was heading to.At every blind turn i heard that laughter. A laughter which i could hear every time my mind desired to have something it never could wear. I knew that man who laughed at me, but could never find him all these years. Today i saw that laughing man...
Life was never this way before. I was swimming in unknown waters and never knew how deep it was till the day i looked back and found my loved ones far away from me at a distance from where they couldn't even hear my cry for help. I miss them as i move ahead in these unknown waters with no idea of when i would return to the world where i was born. The world where i used to wake up late, brushed as and when i wanted, didn't bathe on cold winter mornings, dress up in whatever way i wanted and had no single bit of worry ever inside the heart. My world where the only approval that mattered was from the boss who woke me up, the boss who made the tea every god damn morning without fail, collected all my stinky socks from the bin and washed them without ever being noticeable and arranged them inside my cupboard without making it look bad ever. The boss who stitched up those shirts every time they were torn and donated them to the needy every time i rejected them. The boss who cooked all the food i loved whenever i wanted and still would listen to all the fire thrown on to her every time salt was not as usual in sambar and when she forgot to wake me up on time, and when the tea was not hot or the socks were not clean enough. Every time I threw fire i felt this man somewhere near me...and he was laughing.Never was i old enough to know who that man was. Never was i grown up to know where i had seen this man, I know i was never grown up at all. And Today i saw that laughing man...
As i swim in these deep waters, waking up early at 5, shaving every morning, dressing up in business formals compulsorily, reaching everywhere on time,sitting on a chair for 9 hours and look at all unknown stuff on a screen being poured directly into my brain, eating a tasteless sambar almost daily, finding trouble to keep the cupboard clean, and washing my stinky socks myself, today my old tshirt tore all of a sudden while i was brushing my teeth and for a second i laughed...I laughed as i looked in the mirror...i saw what i had become in this time.In the mirror i found myself grown up. In the mirror I saw who was laughing all the time, in the mirror i saw what i was, in the mirror i saw there was nothing behind me in these deep waters, my loved ones far far away from me, in a moment i saw myself laugh, my shirt was torn and the moment i thought of my boss I looked in the mirror, in a moment i knew that laughter was the same i had heard all these years, in a moment i knew what i had become ....
In the mirror i saw that laughing man.... and that laughing man was me.
Life was never this way before. I was swimming in unknown waters and never knew how deep it was till the day i looked back and found my loved ones far away from me at a distance from where they couldn't even hear my cry for help. I miss them as i move ahead in these unknown waters with no idea of when i would return to the world where i was born. The world where i used to wake up late, brushed as and when i wanted, didn't bathe on cold winter mornings, dress up in whatever way i wanted and had no single bit of worry ever inside the heart. My world where the only approval that mattered was from the boss who woke me up, the boss who made the tea every god damn morning without fail, collected all my stinky socks from the bin and washed them without ever being noticeable and arranged them inside my cupboard without making it look bad ever. The boss who stitched up those shirts every time they were torn and donated them to the needy every time i rejected them. The boss who cooked all the food i loved whenever i wanted and still would listen to all the fire thrown on to her every time salt was not as usual in sambar and when she forgot to wake me up on time, and when the tea was not hot or the socks were not clean enough. Every time I threw fire i felt this man somewhere near me...and he was laughing.Never was i old enough to know who that man was. Never was i grown up to know where i had seen this man, I know i was never grown up at all. And Today i saw that laughing man...
As i swim in these deep waters, waking up early at 5, shaving every morning, dressing up in business formals compulsorily, reaching everywhere on time,sitting on a chair for 9 hours and look at all unknown stuff on a screen being poured directly into my brain, eating a tasteless sambar almost daily, finding trouble to keep the cupboard clean, and washing my stinky socks myself, today my old tshirt tore all of a sudden while i was brushing my teeth and for a second i laughed...I laughed as i looked in the mirror...i saw what i had become in this time.In the mirror i found myself grown up. In the mirror I saw who was laughing all the time, in the mirror i saw what i was, in the mirror i saw there was nothing behind me in these deep waters, my loved ones far far away from me, in a moment i saw myself laugh, my shirt was torn and the moment i thought of my boss I looked in the mirror, in a moment i knew that laughter was the same i had heard all these years, in a moment i knew what i had become ....
In the mirror i saw that laughing man.... and that laughing man was me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
In Love with Love...
Dedicated to my brother Paddy who finally got married to his love...
Fiction:
I was 19. In an age where blood is just that red wine flowing inside you I realized that how strong that red wine could get, how dangerous that hangover could be, and that feeling when you can actually feel that bloody wine in your heart. I will never find the right words to express what that day was or how that day felt, in the end the only word closest to that feeling would be " ephemeral ".
I was about to meet my college friend in a cofee cafe, and as always i was getting late. I rushed ahead of all the traffic cutting through all the small little gaps i found in the way through and could not think of looking back at angry faces in those driver seats of the cars I missed by a whisker. Who cares, My red wine was being pumped at full force. I did manage to reach on time though, but things were about to change forever. I found two girls walking towards me, one was the fat girl i was with in college but the other i could not recognize at that distance. And it was that other girl who changed my years to come, the girl who became my red wine.
As they came closer i felt i knew that face, I had seen that face before, pretty well. It was a face that used to sit with me, fight with me, share secrets with me, play with me, a face which was a friend of me, a very very good friend of me, she was almost a part of me, the girl i called Bubble. And she knew what was in me.
Those eyes were still the same, those hair just became more open and the wind did the rest, made it look superb. She had not changed much in the 5yrs since i last said bye to her....
...but I think I had changed pretty much since then, coz my heart never pumped that hard 5yrs back and it was beating lyk a drum inside me. As she walked towards me, with every step she took i felt a tremor inside my heart and i could feel something being pumped up my spine, I unknowingly blinked like anything, I didn't know my mouth was open, my eye brows dead, my hands numb. She moved closer and the hair on my hands stood up as i watched the wind play with her beautiful hair and bring a few strands on to her face. The whole world was on pause for me and i wanted to play that part again again and again as she slowly moved those strands back to their place. As she walked , her ear rings moved in sync and i didn't know my head was starting to tilt to see that face more. The Pumping drum inside me was now an engine on fire as she moved closer and when she was really standing in front of me, it stopped.
Those eyes were looking at me, but mine were staring! The same girl whom i missed most when she left school was now standing in front of me, looking into my eyes. Those eyes looked in silence while mine were blaring lyk loud speakers. Those small little eyes looked like twin gems shining in dawn's sunlight and as she smiled at me as i realized how much my head was tilted. Those small little lips which were almost baby pink and looked no less beautiful than two small little flower buds which were slowly ready to blossom. Those flower buds slowly separated and with a mild little voice came two words,"HI". The whole world seemed to have stopped at a standstill and I could not see anything else but her in front of me, so much is that feeling even today that i still forget that "Hi" is just one word!!! With slight embarrassment at my tilted head,I could only manage a "hi!". But there was so much more i wanted to say, so many more lines which were flowing through my heart, so many more stories i wanted to share...but all i could do was look at her in utter silence.
That meeting lasted only a few minutes as she left for home. But that whole episode was played inside me at least a thousand times by the time I reached home. She was all over me and the moment I started thinking again my head started to tilt again and my heart became sivamani's drums..singing songs which i had never heard before..
" Oh where would i be...
without this joy inside of me
it makes me want to come alive.
It makes me want to fly into the sky..."
The world seemed to have changed for me, the whole day my mind was full of her, those memories which lay in an old corner of my heart all seemed to have cleaned themselves up and in no time my heart felt lyk a festival and was already celebrating for it was decorated like never before. All of a sudden i could hear the small little sparrows chirp, i could hear a small baby laugh, i could smell roses near me, i felt i was weightless, there was something happening inside me and was spreading lyk wildfire..
" Oh where would be...
if i could tie you next to me,
Oh where would i be..
Oh where..."
I think i was in love...and with that little pain in my neck, I knew i had 'fallen' in love.
Fiction:
I was 19. In an age where blood is just that red wine flowing inside you I realized that how strong that red wine could get, how dangerous that hangover could be, and that feeling when you can actually feel that bloody wine in your heart. I will never find the right words to express what that day was or how that day felt, in the end the only word closest to that feeling would be " ephemeral ".
I was about to meet my college friend in a cofee cafe, and as always i was getting late. I rushed ahead of all the traffic cutting through all the small little gaps i found in the way through and could not think of looking back at angry faces in those driver seats of the cars I missed by a whisker. Who cares, My red wine was being pumped at full force. I did manage to reach on time though, but things were about to change forever. I found two girls walking towards me, one was the fat girl i was with in college but the other i could not recognize at that distance. And it was that other girl who changed my years to come, the girl who became my red wine.
As they came closer i felt i knew that face, I had seen that face before, pretty well. It was a face that used to sit with me, fight with me, share secrets with me, play with me, a face which was a friend of me, a very very good friend of me, she was almost a part of me, the girl i called Bubble. And she knew what was in me.
Those eyes were still the same, those hair just became more open and the wind did the rest, made it look superb. She had not changed much in the 5yrs since i last said bye to her....
...but I think I had changed pretty much since then, coz my heart never pumped that hard 5yrs back and it was beating lyk a drum inside me. As she walked towards me, with every step she took i felt a tremor inside my heart and i could feel something being pumped up my spine, I unknowingly blinked like anything, I didn't know my mouth was open, my eye brows dead, my hands numb. She moved closer and the hair on my hands stood up as i watched the wind play with her beautiful hair and bring a few strands on to her face. The whole world was on pause for me and i wanted to play that part again again and again as she slowly moved those strands back to their place. As she walked , her ear rings moved in sync and i didn't know my head was starting to tilt to see that face more. The Pumping drum inside me was now an engine on fire as she moved closer and when she was really standing in front of me, it stopped.
Those eyes were looking at me, but mine were staring! The same girl whom i missed most when she left school was now standing in front of me, looking into my eyes. Those eyes looked in silence while mine were blaring lyk loud speakers. Those small little eyes looked like twin gems shining in dawn's sunlight and as she smiled at me as i realized how much my head was tilted. Those small little lips which were almost baby pink and looked no less beautiful than two small little flower buds which were slowly ready to blossom. Those flower buds slowly separated and with a mild little voice came two words,"HI". The whole world seemed to have stopped at a standstill and I could not see anything else but her in front of me, so much is that feeling even today that i still forget that "Hi" is just one word!!! With slight embarrassment at my tilted head,I could only manage a "hi!". But there was so much more i wanted to say, so many more lines which were flowing through my heart, so many more stories i wanted to share...but all i could do was look at her in utter silence.
That meeting lasted only a few minutes as she left for home. But that whole episode was played inside me at least a thousand times by the time I reached home. She was all over me and the moment I started thinking again my head started to tilt again and my heart became sivamani's drums..singing songs which i had never heard before..
" Oh where would i be...
without this joy inside of me
it makes me want to come alive.
It makes me want to fly into the sky..."
The world seemed to have changed for me, the whole day my mind was full of her, those memories which lay in an old corner of my heart all seemed to have cleaned themselves up and in no time my heart felt lyk a festival and was already celebrating for it was decorated like never before. All of a sudden i could hear the small little sparrows chirp, i could hear a small baby laugh, i could smell roses near me, i felt i was weightless, there was something happening inside me and was spreading lyk wildfire..
" Oh where would be...
if i could tie you next to me,
Oh where would i be..
Oh where..."
I think i was in love...and with that little pain in my neck, I knew i had 'fallen' in love.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Ein-stain...
"There's a darkening sky before me,
there's no time to prepare,
Salvage a lost horizon,
but no regrets from me."
After a while as i was listening to this song, the words which continued ringing inside me were simply,"No more lies". As these words keep ringing inside me day in and day out, ther's just one feeling inside me, exactly what the song was saying to me, "No more Lies". I have become an Engineer, but i still never have had the feeling that I am of the same grade the poor workers call "Engineer Saheb", Never have i had a pulse inside me that says people like "me" changed the lives of the people by creating the change, never had a joy inside my heart where i felt i could be a change people needed; all this time, I never felt I was an "Engineer".
I've grown up watching tv, watching The Discovery channel, The National Geographic channel. I've grown up watching people build robots, watched people make gadgets which could change lives, I've grown up seeing people who create soda makers from just junk. I had seen men working on huge satellites in no gravity, I had seen them wearing the white aprons and working in white labs, with huge computer screens which showed some unknown numbers to which they stared and celebrated, I'd seen them make robots walk n talk, Robots which could go to the moon. That's what an Engineer was for me. I wondered what i was then. Was i a 'life changer'? No. Was I a good mechanic? No. Was i good in labs? No. Could i make robots? No. Could i make supercomputers? No. I never even had my own apron, and the closest i could get to the moon was from my terrace! And yet i was an Engineer. Was I an Engineer? No. "No more lies"
I was still an Engineer. An engineer whose projects could never work. An Engineer who never knew answers to the questions which started with "Why". I was an Engineer who worked all the semester to make sure he didn't have a fight with the teacher, an engineer whose only aim was to clear the exam. I was an Engineer who took his fone to a shop to get it repaired, who called the "computerwala" when the computer didn't start, an Engineer who dialed the Electrician's number the moment the cooler didn't start or the mixer died. An engineer who could never write proper answers to questions he'd never seen before. All that i knew was which questions could come in the next paper , how to rewrite lines in the answer to make it long, how to sign like the teacher, i was an engineer who knew which movie dvd was coming up soon, but never knew how the dvd player worked, an Engineer who could never become an Engineer. Still I was an Engineer, I'l never know "why".
I was an Engineer who always listened to Pink Floyd's songs and felt that it was really a song you wanted to sing loud in the class when the teacher shouted at you.
"We don't need no Education,
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom,
Teacher leave us kids alone
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."
I was an Engineer who felt that song was for me. And in the end, there was a darkening sky before me, with no time to prepare, i'd salvaged a lost horizon, still no regrets from me....."No more lies".
And as I watch numerous students in their tenth standard passing with 96, 97 percentages, I feel happy that the future will have so qualified people, with so many big colleges, so many teachers, so many books, nearly a hundred thousand Engineers pumped into the system every year, it makes me feel happy. But what kind of Engineers? Like me?? I know not all of them would be like me, but even if there's one Ein'stain like me amidst all other Einsteins, I know there would be someone somewhere who would feel the same as me some day.....
"All in all I'm just another brick in the wall"
there's no time to prepare,
Salvage a lost horizon,
but no regrets from me."
After a while as i was listening to this song, the words which continued ringing inside me were simply,"No more lies". As these words keep ringing inside me day in and day out, ther's just one feeling inside me, exactly what the song was saying to me, "No more Lies". I have become an Engineer, but i still never have had the feeling that I am of the same grade the poor workers call "Engineer Saheb", Never have i had a pulse inside me that says people like "me" changed the lives of the people by creating the change, never had a joy inside my heart where i felt i could be a change people needed; all this time, I never felt I was an "Engineer".
I've grown up watching tv, watching The Discovery channel, The National Geographic channel. I've grown up watching people build robots, watched people make gadgets which could change lives, I've grown up seeing people who create soda makers from just junk. I had seen men working on huge satellites in no gravity, I had seen them wearing the white aprons and working in white labs, with huge computer screens which showed some unknown numbers to which they stared and celebrated, I'd seen them make robots walk n talk, Robots which could go to the moon. That's what an Engineer was for me. I wondered what i was then. Was i a 'life changer'? No. Was I a good mechanic? No. Was i good in labs? No. Could i make robots? No. Could i make supercomputers? No. I never even had my own apron, and the closest i could get to the moon was from my terrace! And yet i was an Engineer. Was I an Engineer? No. "No more lies"
I was still an Engineer. An engineer whose projects could never work. An Engineer who never knew answers to the questions which started with "Why". I was an Engineer who worked all the semester to make sure he didn't have a fight with the teacher, an engineer whose only aim was to clear the exam. I was an Engineer who took his fone to a shop to get it repaired, who called the "computerwala" when the computer didn't start, an Engineer who dialed the Electrician's number the moment the cooler didn't start or the mixer died. An engineer who could never write proper answers to questions he'd never seen before. All that i knew was which questions could come in the next paper , how to rewrite lines in the answer to make it long, how to sign like the teacher, i was an engineer who knew which movie dvd was coming up soon, but never knew how the dvd player worked, an Engineer who could never become an Engineer. Still I was an Engineer, I'l never know "why".
I was an Engineer who always listened to Pink Floyd's songs and felt that it was really a song you wanted to sing loud in the class when the teacher shouted at you.
"We don't need no Education,
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom,
Teacher leave us kids alone
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."
I was an Engineer who felt that song was for me. And in the end, there was a darkening sky before me, with no time to prepare, i'd salvaged a lost horizon, still no regrets from me....."No more lies".
And as I watch numerous students in their tenth standard passing with 96, 97 percentages, I feel happy that the future will have so qualified people, with so many big colleges, so many teachers, so many books, nearly a hundred thousand Engineers pumped into the system every year, it makes me feel happy. But what kind of Engineers? Like me?? I know not all of them would be like me, but even if there's one Ein'stain like me amidst all other Einsteins, I know there would be someone somewhere who would feel the same as me some day.....
"All in all I'm just another brick in the wall"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Feeling Hot Hot Hot!!
My friend Anushree just returned from her Himalayan expedition. She was in the mountain ranges for nearly 10 days, playing in the snow, walking on the ice, and bearing the chilling wind that would flow in the region and would literally freeze their noses. The temperature was always near zero and they had no scope for electricity and so had to light fires wherever they went in order to keep themselves warm. They had to trek for 4 to 5 hours at a stretch and that was indeed tiring, very tiring! At every stage there were people who could not bear the intensity of the trek and backed out to go home. And for all this time, when she was walking on the rocks trembling on their edges and adjusting the heavy baggage at every step- ready to eat whatever she could lay her hands on -listening to stories of people dying in the snow, I was.....
....I was opening the fridge for the 14th time in 3 hours, to get the cold water bottle and it felt as if the bottle just refused to get cold. For which i then open the freezer-the only place where I've felt real snow- only to realize that water does not freeze in an hour! And when you finally get some cold water, the only thing i felt was some sleep in front of the cooler, I jump on to the couch, feel the air hit my my body and then i realize.....the cooler had run out of water. It was pumping in super heated air and it felt as if i was standing on the wrong side of an exhaust!! With a lot of frustration and anger, when i fill in the water in the cooler's tank which always refuses to be full quickly and justt when the tank is full, there comes a call,"abey apna result agaya!! college jaana hai!!"
And from home I had to go on a trek...
A trek (literally), to college, the only difference being while Anushree was at around 8 degree Celsius in the sun, I just had to add a 4 to it, a 4 before the 8 which made it a god damn 48 deg !!!! And trust me, it kills!!! The moment i stepped outside, i felt a chill through my spine, which was perhaps the last chill i felt for the day!! Coz the moment later i was surrounded by a wave of something, something god damn hot!!! It moves through the face, through your eyes, your nose,through the ears and reaches your brain and simply boils it like water! While Anushree was siting around a fire trying to warm her hands and legs, I felt my hands and legs to have caught fire, man they were really on fire!!! While Anushree was looking at water get frozen in no time, I too did, the only difference being I was watching the water disappear in no time, god it was HOT HOT HOT!
After the terrible trek to college, the moment i reached home, i realized how important chappals were!! When Anushree would've been walking on chilling ice under her feet, I felt i was walking on the Sun, the blistering heat would've melted me completely had i stayed there for some more time bare footed. And after the great great trek , i had finally reached my igloo. I justt loved the sight of the cooler buzzing. I opened the door, rushed inside, opened the fridge, and i can't explain my happiness when i saw a chilled ice packet in the freezer (my Himalayas), I ate that ice with all my love and each sound of the crumbling ice was a relief. And after all the terrible heat that i had just faced, after all the news of people dying in the sun, all the heat that almost melted me out, all the sweat that flowed like tap water, all the energy that drained out as if in a sink, all that i saw was the couch, all that i heard was the cooler's buzz, all that i knew was that the cooler's tank was full, and when with a feeling that all my troubles were about to get over, i walked slowly to my couch, the cool air hitting my face gently, i lay down on the couch with all my relief, i closed my eyes ready to dream.......AUR LINE GAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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