Farther in Law

Dedicated to a father whose daughter I got married to: My feet wobbling, my blood boiling, A part of me was born again, my sweet lil girl, my darling. she'd eyes of her mother, a cheek which was flatter, A part of me was born again for all I know I was her Father she grew up in front of my eyes, not tall at all yet high Fives, today I look beneath myself, for all I know Time just flies. I did not know who I am I hadn't felt it so clear, for all I know within myself, I am her Dad, she's my fear. I wasn't much a talker, wasn't much a hawker, for my love was too deep, God I am her Father. I asked myself If she knows, that my love for her was beyond all woes, I lied to myself, but my eyes couldn't lie, she knows. she walked out in that wedding dress today, as I looked at her all day, tears rolled down on their own for all I know I'd nothing to say. I did not know who I am I hadn't felt it so clear, for all I know within myself, I am her Dad, she's my fear. I fought with her loud and clear, but beneath my cover she was my dear, today as she walked into that stage, I stood there gripping all my fear. In her happiness I had fold myself, In her joy I had forgotten my self, today right here she's going away, and here I am staring at that empty shelf. Today I know who I am I never knew so clear, for all I knew within myself, I am her Dad, to hell with fear.

The Hidden Tooth

My little nephew, barely 18 month old was playing around my sofa, trying to slurp his hidden tooth, when his ever thirsty sight inadvertently fell on the elusive TV Remote. In a matter of seconds, that TV remote was all he wanted. It looked as if a Lokmanya Tilak had awakened inside him  for he was moving as if repeating, "The Remote is my Birthright...and I shall have it". Like an unstoppable cloud he kept on trying to move around me to reach that remote, trying everything in his limit to get around the seemingly gigantic Mount Everest that stood in front him. Even his primary weapon, "The Stare of Innocence", failed to work as I was determined not to let this poor defenseless unarmed TV remote be mercilessly tortured and have itself dismembered and dragged around before being thrown into a Lake of Pee. 18 months, and that little boy was already an expert at warfare - He called in his allies with his SOS (which is a monotonous signal which any ally could Comprehend-Respond-You, also called C.R.Y): He freaking cried. I had lost. His allies pounded me with their brutal assault. Within moments, the Mount Everest had collapsed, within seconds the cries silenced and within minutes the Remote was in The Lake of Pee.

The whole evening we (including the little boy, his allies, and me) were forced to watch a frivolously shouting and aimlessly blabbering Arnab Goswami who was repeating "MrSanjayJhaMrSanjayJhaMrSanjayJha " (yes, No Spaces) and Mr Sanjay Jha repeating "ArnabArnab Arnab" endlessly as if they were both being paid to say the other person's name. Never mind. We all deserve this. We've all tortured Mother Nature and its Environment so bad, it was bound to throw back at us at least one Arnab Goswami and one Sanjay Jha. The only person, however, who was enjoying that sight with his full-hearted and selfless egoless and  interestingly breakless laugh was also the reason we weren't able to change the channel. In 18 months, the little boy trying to slurp his hidden tooth had changed that so called super-prime-time-firing-debate into Tellytubbies.

I had no choice but to awaken the Engineer in me. Yes, that was perhaps the only time I got to show off my engineering skills. Before you imagine anything..No, I didn't repair that TV Remote. I rushed to the cablewala and bought a new remote. Exactly what Engineering had taught me, "When the going gets tough...buy a new car" (RTMNU - By Rashtrasant Tukdoji Maharaj, Vol 3 Verse 3:16). I returned to a champion welcome, took all the accolades, gave an angry stare to that hidden tooth boy, and walked like Jason Statham. I soon realized that Jason Statham generally walks like that when some new car is about to blow up behind him. The new car did blow up. I, the Engineer, the Champion Engineer, the Opportunist, the perfectionist, had forgot to buy batteries. I tried to use the old ones and what followed was exactly the kind of an Engineer I was...A mix of Arnab Goswami, Arvind Kejriwal and Pikachu: All words, no show, and yellow.

My last attempt somehow helped me go ahead by one channel. So now were all watching BBC. And what that channel showed, moved me. I, with an 18 month old baby on my lap, was watching young injured barely 18 month old babies and kids being carried away by their wailing fathers in Gaza. There was no noise in those images and yet they were a blow to my mind. There was no shrapnel in that video and yet it had pierced through my heart. I was staring at a child, as old as the one on my lap, being faced with an assault of the most brutal kind. For a kid so small, there is no country, no policy and no religion. For a kid so small, there is never an Arnab Goswami or Sanjay Jha, no ceasefire nor treaty. For a child so small, there is no war. His only weapon is his innocence, and his only bullet is his stare.

Within moments, we were all staring at the sheer luck that we were on the other side of the Mount Everest but one which could collapse any moment. Within moments we were all staring at the sheer helplessness of Engineers like me in trying to stop real cars from blowing up in real markets. While we all were staring at the harshest form of reality that BBC showed....within moments it was all over...I had Lost again...for within moments the new remote was in The Lake of Pee.

Absolutely Untitled..

I need to find time to write, to dance around, to sing loud, to laugh, to enjoy. But what I've realized over time is I need to find time to live. They say that work is what makes a kid a man. I find it difficult to believe that a man is born at the cost of the kid. I enjoy being the kid, for it is the kid in me that keeps me the way I am. It is the kid in me that laughs out loud, sings and dances around, enjoys. In this absolutely untitled world, It is this kid that keeps me alive, for I am that untitled kid.

They all say that you need to do something you've always wanted to, something you enjoy, something you love most, something that you are passionate about. And here I am, the idiot that I am, finding it difficult to understand the difference. All this time I've been on an unknown pursuit of the work that amazes me most, the work that-as they say-I am passionate about. And although I have traveled pretty far, I'm yet to find that one thing for at the end of all tunnels I find myself standing perplexed yet undisturbed. I find my own reflection which eerily stares at my face with peaceful eyes and even without uttering a word it erases all that's written in my mind -word by word.

I have no idea where this journey is taking me, nor do I know in which direction. But it is this very journey that has given me a pearl-like family, gold-like happiness, and diamond-like friends. It is this journey that has made me fall in love with these wild yet cricket crazy streets, with these nagging yet peaceful neighbors, with these crazy yet innocent kids. In this journey I may be alone, but who cares, I live in a world filled with worries, with ego, with jealousy, and with filthy politics. Who'd want partners when you know it is all walking slowly towards doom. Amidst all these worries, it is this journey that has given me my wings. I can fly over all this and still be me. These wings are mine, and this is what powers me through time.

I have grown up now. There's plenty of work. And today as I happened to hold my little kid nephew in my arms I saw what this journey was telling me all the while. In a far mirror was the end of the tunnel, I was an image of chaos while the kid in my arms was looking at my eyes-perplexed yet undisturbed. I was looking at the mirror and it was the kid who was eerily staring at my face with peaceful eyes and without uttering a single word he erased all the chaos that was written in my mind - word by word. And with a smile he'd said it all, that it was the kid in me that I always wanted to be, it was being that kid that I enjoyed most. Amidst all worries, I want to be the kid in me. To hell with the world, to hell with the man that is born at the cost of the kid, I am and will always be a kid inside, to hell with this absolutely untitled world ....for I am that Untitled Kid.

A Falling reason to Love..

For the first and second part:
I ) http://vishnu4ever.blogspot.in/2010/10/in-love-with-love.html
II ) http://vishnu4ever.blogspot.in/2011/02/in-love-with-loveagain.html

FICTION:


They said ask him why he loves you. They said ask him can't he find anyone with the same qualities. They all said there are better people you'll get. They all said they know more. But None of them had ever experienced the silence inside when such words of fire are fired right at your face with no mercy. None had felt the pain that such words create in a chaos filled mind. None could fathom the depth that these kind looking words could reach. They asked me what I am, what ability I had to ever think of love. They asked me to end it. But None had ever put on my shoes to see how it felt, None had my eyes to see the world I saw, None could think that these eyes had loads of tears that were held by the brute force of will. None had ever felt what it feels to be on the other side of fire... and yet they thought they were right.

"Give me reason to wash this memory clean,
 Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between.
 Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies,
 across this new divide."

I have asked myself those same questions every single time I looked into her eyes. Every single beat of heart that we shared had asked the same question a thousand times over and over again. The truth that came out that moment, and the only answer that still engulfs my mind is that I do not know. I've tried a lot and each time I got a new answer. May be I love her because she's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life. May be I love her because there's no one in the world who knows me the way she does. May be I love her because she is sweet. "May be", that's an interesting set of words, may be, they say a lot and yet they end up saying nothing.

Like merciless stones into a lake, they threw those questions into my unarmed mind. Like a defenseless fort plundered by trebuchets, my mind crumbled into a heap of soft bricks bleeding the glue that had helped it stay strong. I was left with only chaos, and it was in this chaos that I found a hint of truth, the truth why I had loved her so much. In this chaos were answers. Amid this chaos were my answers to them, to those who questioned, to those who felt I didn't.

"I remember a prison of all memories,
and I'm drowning in tears come n help me please.
Stay with me...Stay with me,
baby when the lights go down.."

She knew me from the time I knew myself. The answer to why I love her is like that grain of white stone amid cooked rice, difficult to find, but once it hits, leaves its mark; difficult to know, but once it hits, difficult to ignore. The reason why I love her is something I do not know, for all i know is that she puts in that little bit of light in my mind the moment it turns dark. Her mere presence puts a blanket over my worries and brings back a smile which otherwise would've been lost in the debris of chaos. It brings in floods of happiness and joy when I get to laugh with her, something which has always been filtered by stones of relations and mud of uncertainty till now. Somehow she relieves me of this muddy trench and lifts me up above the rain. She is the reason I choose never to give up, the reason why I became who I am. I may not be able to quantify this, but to make her smile is a task I'll never get tired doing and will never stop myself from doing. It is by far the best work I do, for I know I am pretty good at it. Is she the most beautiful thing I've seen? No, I've seen Audis and Jaguars, but still I can't take my eyes off her even when there's an Audi next to her.

 I will never be able to explain or quantify such pointless yet meaningful things I've known about us. But she was the one I had when I experienced that silence inside when those words of fire were fired right at our face with no mercy. She had felt the pain that those words created in my chaos filled mind. She knew the depth that those kind looking words would reach. She was the only one who could see the world through my eyes, for she was that brute force which held together my tears.

When their words burned through my mind, she held my hand, felt my pain as I silently watched my world crumble...and yet they thought they were right.

Resigned from my heart

I had it decided. For some time I had that feeling inside and all this while I was waiting for a moment to decide. And soon that moment came, I saw where I was headed to with myself, I saw what I've become. I saw myself on a busy street and that very moment I had it decided, I wont turn into something I've never been or wanted to be. I will forever be me.

I wanted to write it out once and for all that I will not continue the job I've been doing, but I couldn't.I couldn't write that I was frustrated, agitated, annoyed and exhausted. I didn't. All this while I was wearing a joker's mask. A mask which I wore the moment I wore that blue ID card, the moment I entered those secured premises, the moment i go past those gates, and again the moment I sat onto a leaning chair in front of a machine which has no eyes or ears but has silent voice which runs thrills down many and an eerie face which can show you miracles. It was the mask I was turning into, I couldn't write this down because I never could get the right words, and I don't think English is big enough to express what I felt. I will not let this mask be me. I am what I am, and will forever be. I will be free for that's what is me.

I coded some scripts once a while, and for that I was paid a salary. I solved a few issues and for that I was paid a salary. I spent some time on a chair in front of that machine and for that I was paid a salary.Till the day I die I was gonna do this and for that I was paid a salary. To hell with this, I will make my own salary. I cannot be wearing a mask forever, I will not be the mask i wear. I may be that guy in the crowd, but I am not one of them. I will not live a life which waits desperately for the weekend and cries when it ends, I will not live a life where every one waits for the month to end and freely lets that cycle repeat itself in a slow yet painful way. I will not be that slave of an ounce of salary, I've never been that horse who runs for that carrot and will never be. I will not be a part of this place where every while you know that your path ahead is decided by someone else, and every light on the way is bleak. Hell! I am thin, but I am not weak.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side..
Then I glide like a bird, 
I just want to be."

I may be living in a world where efforts are counted in hours and your dedication is remembered by your mistakes, but I still have a child in me who dreams. I still feel that my wings haven't rotten, I was born to fly and I will always do what I love to. I will not be clogged in this world of sh-IT where whether you do or not, you'll still get a sum of money which never changes. I will not sink into a hole dig by desperate promotion seeking people, I will make my own world and rise up. It's been a while I've been wearing this mask of uncertainty and today I throw it away. Dear Sir, today I resign.

God Party Cull

Dear God,
"The Time machine" is one thought you put unanimously into the minds of every person on Earth. I am just one of them. For the past few months you have no idea how much I've wanted that machine in my life, for if I had it, I would have kept it so close to me that every heartbeat would have felt it before anything else, every pulse would have kissed it before anything else, and my very soul would have lived inside it. Dear God, why didn't you make that machine? Why did you leave just that thought when you know my thoughts mean nothing. But dear God, I think i know the answer now.

Had I had that machine, God you know it, I would have never grown up. Today I am 24, had I had that machine, I would have gone back to that 10 and would have never returned to this 24. I would have relived these 14 years a thousand times every day for the rest of my life. I would've gone back within moments to those days when I used to cry for anything I wanted and would get beaten up all over again by bro. I would've relived those nights when along with five guys the whole night was spent on a terrace staring into an empty sky and the only thing noticeable was the crap we said to each other. In a moment, I would have relived all those afternoons when I broke records in a video game and felt like Rambo. I wouldn't have let those afternoons go down with just a drink of Bournvita, nor would I have succumbed to Mom's threats had I ever known that there''ll come a day when I'll have no video game or bournvita, a day when Mom's hundreds of miles away and those five guys would be in different places of the world; and that the terrace would be an empty space forever after. Dear God, i know why you didn't make that machine.

Dear God, I've been thinking about this for long. The world may be spinning on its own, but I do know that Time isn't some fabric you can tear into. It isn't some matrix you wont understand, nor is it some flowing water which takes you along. Time is just an element. It is an element just like others, just as obvious, just as simple. In a world where God's being put into particles, while I was lying on a chair laughing while remembering some old prank, I felt that I knew. I felt I knew that machine, the machine which could create those particles of time. The machine that could take me back to the day I wanted.Which when switched on would take me to that moment which I wanted to live again. That elusive machine which mankind has forever been trying to create. A machine which could take you to the day you wished. The only input to it being Time. Give it some time...and it will take you to the time you wished!

It was never a "thought" that you planted dear god, it was never something man could make. It wasn't some thing that man could sell or buy. I should've got this before, how can man create something which he already had!!? Because, it was never a thought, it was the whole machine he had. You planted the whole machine inside my head. You planted it in every head you created. It was that same machine which took me through those video games and terraces within moments. It was always that machine which took me to those days I wanted to relive. It was that Time machine which I had used while siting on that chair and the moment I got up from that chair, I knew it was in me.

 Dear god I write this today, to thank. It is because of you that I now realize...the Time machine is Me.

Shallow Shadow.

Its been long I've wrote something on this canvas, I dont think i would be able to explain why, for i was walking all the time. walking on a known path, but on a journey i never knew, a journey i never know where or when will end, or where it will take me, all i know is that this journey will help me answer something.
I've walked a long way on this weird curvy path which leads to nowhere, this long road which never seems to end, this long road which has seen me for all these years, the same road on which I crawled as a toddler, fell on when i learned to ride a cycle. The same road which caught every single drop of tears which fell off my cheeks when i cried, and lifted me up every time my knees felt tired, this road had seen me grow up, this road which has seen my little face grow a beard and my tiny feet stay tiny, this road is where I've been all life, may be this road is what the world calls life.

"A little sweet, a little sour
a little close, not too far.."
"All i need, all i need,
all i need is to be free.."

I know I've grown up, but i do not know why there's always a child inside me who laughs very loud on stupid jokes, who unknowingly starts dancing to tunes with no worry what so ever, a child who cannot stop himself from inserting a piece of paper into a burning candle or spitting while looking down from the top floor, who starts walking backwards just to see how kool it looks to the see every one stare at you. And even as I now walk on this road, this child inside lives on without an ounce of thought of the future, to this child all that matters is the present, and for him it is indeed a present. This road knows who this child is, coz this is where this child learned to walk. This is where I fell down, this is where I got up, may be this is what the world calls home.

I've fallen down numerous times,  may have lost the count. E ach time though I had the strength to get up again. And here I was sitting in front of destiny writers and answering questions which had nothing to at all with who I am, who I was, but it did affect who I  was going to be. Away from home, away from friends, the only company was  my shadow, perhaps the only thing that never leaves you and without you ever noticing laughs, dines and even dies with you. Only that shadow knows that I was who I am on that day in front of that panel. That it was who I am who laughed when the panel tried hard to get angry, It was who I am when I said I'd jump into a pit without knowing what's in there. And that it was the same who-I-am guy who felt shot in the heart on a bright little sunday when those destiny writers had chosen to write him off. So many drops of tears fell off that shadow that day, so many cups of hope fell down the sky on hard ground, so many prayers reached a dead end.

"Let me in without a shout..
let me in I have a doubt.
There are more, many more,
many many many more like me."


The little boy had fallen on his knees, all his courage drenched at the very sight that all that his hard work could manage was a straight reject. It doesn't feel good to see the only dream get shattered like anything. It kills to start all over again, the very look at those full notebooks takes me back to that panel, and that same question being asked.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side,
then I glide like a bird,
I just want to be."

All that remains is the obsession which still doesn't go away, I cannot let myself bow down. With all that's left in me I will go again and this time the results wont matter, may be that's what I was, that's what I've always been, may be that is what I am.
 "Will you jump into a pit without knowing what's in there?".... "Yes Sir."