God Party Cull

Dear God,
"The Time machine" is one thought you put unanimously into the minds of every person on Earth. I am just one of them. For the past few months you have no idea how much I've wanted that machine in my life, for if I had it, I would have kept it so close to me that every heartbeat would have felt it before anything else, every pulse would have kissed it before anything else, and my very soul would have lived inside it. Dear God, why didn't you make that machine? Why did you leave just that thought when you know my thoughts mean nothing. But dear God, I think i know the answer now.

Had I had that machine, God you know it, I would have never grown up. Today I am 24, had I had that machine, I would have gone back to that 10 and would have never returned to this 24. I would have relived these 14 years a thousand times every day for the rest of my life. I would've gone back within moments to those days when I used to cry for anything I wanted and would get beaten up all over again by bro. I would've relived those nights when along with five guys the whole night was spent on a terrace staring into an empty sky and the only thing noticeable was the crap we said to each other. In a moment, I would have relived all those afternoons when I broke records in a video game and felt like Rambo. I wouldn't have let those afternoons go down with just a drink of Bournvita, nor would I have succumbed to Mom's threats had I ever known that there''ll come a day when I'll have no video game or bournvita, a day when Mom's hundreds of miles away and those five guys would be in different places of the world; and that the terrace would be an empty space forever after. Dear God, i know why you didn't make that machine.

Dear God, I've been thinking about this for long. The world may be spinning on its own, but I do know that Time isn't some fabric you can tear into. It isn't some matrix you wont understand, nor is it some flowing water which takes you along. Time is just an element. It is an element just like others, just as obvious, just as simple. In a world where God's being put into particles, while I was lying on a chair laughing while remembering some old prank, I felt that I knew. I felt I knew that machine, the machine which could create those particles of time. The machine that could take me back to the day I wanted.Which when switched on would take me to that moment which I wanted to live again. That elusive machine which mankind has forever been trying to create. A machine which could take you to the day you wished. The only input to it being Time. Give it some time...and it will take you to the time you wished!

It was never a "thought" that you planted dear god, it was never something man could make. It wasn't some thing that man could sell or buy. I should've got this before, how can man create something which he already had!!? Because, it was never a thought, it was the whole machine he had. You planted the whole machine inside my head. You planted it in every head you created. It was that same machine which took me through those video games and terraces within moments. It was always that machine which took me to those days I wanted to relive. It was that Time machine which I had used while siting on that chair and the moment I got up from that chair, I knew it was in me.

 Dear god I write this today, to thank. It is because of you that I now realize...the Time machine is Me.

Shallow Shadow.

Its been long I've wrote something on this canvas, I dont think i would be able to explain why, for i was walking all the time. walking on a known path, but on a journey i never knew, a journey i never know where or when will end, or where it will take me, all i know is that this journey will help me answer something.
I've walked a long way on this weird curvy path which leads to nowhere, this long road which never seems to end, this long road which has seen me for all these years, the same road on which I crawled as a toddler, fell on when i learned to ride a cycle. The same road which caught every single drop of tears which fell off my cheeks when i cried, and lifted me up every time my knees felt tired, this road had seen me grow up, this road which has seen my little face grow a beard and my tiny feet stay tiny, this road is where I've been all life, may be this road is what the world calls life.

"A little sweet, a little sour
a little close, not too far.."
"All i need, all i need,
all i need is to be free.."

I know I've grown up, but i do not know why there's always a child inside me who laughs very loud on stupid jokes, who unknowingly starts dancing to tunes with no worry what so ever, a child who cannot stop himself from inserting a piece of paper into a burning candle or spitting while looking down from the top floor, who starts walking backwards just to see how kool it looks to the see every one stare at you. And even as I now walk on this road, this child inside lives on without an ounce of thought of the future, to this child all that matters is the present, and for him it is indeed a present. This road knows who this child is, coz this is where this child learned to walk. This is where I fell down, this is where I got up, may be this is what the world calls home.

I've fallen down numerous times,  may have lost the count. E ach time though I had the strength to get up again. And here I was sitting in front of destiny writers and answering questions which had nothing to at all with who I am, who I was, but it did affect who I  was going to be. Away from home, away from friends, the only company was  my shadow, perhaps the only thing that never leaves you and without you ever noticing laughs, dines and even dies with you. Only that shadow knows that I was who I am on that day in front of that panel. That it was who I am who laughed when the panel tried hard to get angry, It was who I am when I said I'd jump into a pit without knowing what's in there. And that it was the same who-I-am guy who felt shot in the heart on a bright little sunday when those destiny writers had chosen to write him off. So many drops of tears fell off that shadow that day, so many cups of hope fell down the sky on hard ground, so many prayers reached a dead end.

"Let me in without a shout..
let me in I have a doubt.
There are more, many more,
many many many more like me."


The little boy had fallen on his knees, all his courage drenched at the very sight that all that his hard work could manage was a straight reject. It doesn't feel good to see the only dream get shattered like anything. It kills to start all over again, the very look at those full notebooks takes me back to that panel, and that same question being asked.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side,
then I glide like a bird,
I just want to be."

All that remains is the obsession which still doesn't go away, I cannot let myself bow down. With all that's left in me I will go again and this time the results wont matter, may be that's what I was, that's what I've always been, may be that is what I am.
 "Will you jump into a pit without knowing what's in there?".... "Yes Sir." 

A Lost Key of my Life

Write something, read it once, read it twice, delete it, forget it and then close it. I've been doing just that for the past one year. Aaarghh.. i just deleted the entire thing and wrote everything all over again. I don't know why I always end up finding something missing and decide to rub it all and forget it. May be it was something I never noticed, something my little mind could not fathom. Something that I felt was locked in a locker and I never had the keys. For the past so many years, I had lost so many such keys , so many lost lockers, and so many lost artifacts to let me know who the hell I am, this time though I found that lost locker which had all the lost keys, which is why I could not delete the entire stuff.

Let me make it short, I screwed up one more time just like the last time, ran like a dog behind an elusive cat and only ended up falling in a gutter, felt bad, felt worse than ever. And just when I was confused whether to quit or cut some little artery and end it like forever, the small little mirror in my room seemed like it was looking at me, it felt as if it wanted to talk. I looked at it for almost an hour and then i realized that I had finally found that lost locker, that lost locker which had all those keys, God damn it I realized who I am. Who the hell I am.

Quitters never win and winners never quit kinda shit was not what I felt. My heart was already depressed enough not to think all that crap. In those eyes in the mirror I saw a drop of tear and in the light of an unknown bulb even the tear shined like gold, may be that was the only thing beautiful about tears. I realized that even a tear could be gold, all it needed was light and a pair of eyes to feel it.

All i had to do was then listen to some cold music and close my eyes, for all i had to do was follow my dream. I've always had the dream where I build up the business my Dad created and take it up to heights that the entire industry would admire. Make it reach the entire world so that none would be far from what we had to sell, a dream where I build the entire industry so big that some day some vishnu would dream of making an industry just like mine. And if i had to make this come true, I needed no damn cat to prove that I AM capable, I needed no damn college to brand me for life, I'd rather hire such branded-for-life men and make THEM work on MY dream. There was an unnatural feeling, I felt I could do it just because I could already see it. My ability needs no boundaries, I don't even have a plan, all I have is a dream, a dream I see every day and night. I might just've opened some of those locked lockers, for I felt so clear about myself like never before. With clarity came the confidence, with confidence came the courage, and with courage I said it to myself, I am no crap. I SEE what I want to be and if that is what is called vision then I didnt need any degree to help me, all i had to do was stand on the pillars called Clarity Confidence and Courage, and once I did, the little vision has NO boundaries, it needs NO degrees, NO results, NO percentiles...all it needs is pair of eyes to see and a pair of hands to do...and one of the lockers told me I already had both.

The World Cough Fever!!!

Last Saturday was a day I wont forget for the rest of my life. India had won the World Cup. We were the World Champions.! When Dhoni hit the ball far away into the crowds, a billion hearts went berserk, a billion throats screamed at the top of their limits, 2 billion hands went up and all of them wanted just one thing, to wave the Indian Flag. All hearts wanted to celebrate, dance, drink, scream, wave the flag, and a place to do all this with a thousand others.

My Saturday night was spent with those thousand others and boy that night the whole of Nagpur(for that matter the whole of India) was on the road with a thousand others. For the first time I saw my countrymen forget castes, race, money, religion and every other barrier to simply celebrate. I saw that young blood jump on top of hoardings, those energy filled eyes shouting at the top of their voice, those bodies didn't want any shirts for they were sweating like anything and every drop of sweat they felt was for their motherland and no stitched piece of cotton could be allowed to soak it. I saw unknown men riding behind that steering wheel ask even more unknown men to come and dance on top of their car, these men never thought even for a second whether the one dancing in front of his car spoke which language, they never saw the color of their skin or their religion, these men didn't have time for all that. All they wanted was an outlet to release and realize their love for their country and all that mattered was..... nothing. Every single man, and every single woman felt that surge in their blood to jump with a beat somewhere in the crowd and simply dance to their own tunes just to feel the energy, the happiness, the joy that their country had beaten the hell out of opponents on a cricket field and brought glory to all their hearts. In the middle of all those beats, I realized how Indian I was, how Indian I am.

I realized that these were all Indians who found peace in every little thing in their lives. Indians who will remain silent for almost eternity till the day comes when they realize, relish and release their nationalism and let that Indian come out on the roads to revolutionize this corrupt and sucking system. That day i am sure the same young blood which danced on hoardings will break down those party offices of pseudo secular politics, they would forget all race, religion, caste and every unknown man will join hands with every other unknown man and the whole of India would erupt, ride on unknown cars, and with a beat somewhere in the crowd bring down the entire system. That day I know it wont matter what that powerless old man with a blue turban says, it wont matter if any leaks bring out any stupid past news, it wont matter if any stupid boom boom says we don't have large hearts.

That day every single man and every single woman will feel that very same surge in their blood, beat the hell out of those who've corrupted the system and bring glory to their motherland. On that day we'll become true champions of the world coz all that matters would be....nothing.

In Love with Love...again!

dedicated to all little hearts which beat together....

FICTION:

I didn't know what had happened to me. My mind was as if in some other world, a world where there were only two people, a world where there were only white clouds every where, sweet breeze to caress her and only the bright moon to watch us. I don't know how to define cloud nine but I knew i had almost taken it on lease, i was staying there for a long time now. I'll never know where i was, all i know is that i was in love, with love.

"Wise men say, only fools rush in,
but i can't help, falling in love with you..."

Every day she was my morning, she was my day and at night she was my dream. The moment she came in front of me, my eyes wanted to freeze that frame and never let it go off my mind, they always looked through all those files and directories in my brain's hard disk and the whole day my mind scanned through those fotos my eyes had taken each time I saw her, each time the breeze made those strands of hair fall on to her face, every time she moved them back to their place and those strands as if on my command came back to that face to make her smile, my eyes kept on clicking lyk a high speed high definition camera and stored each of those images into a secured locker in my heart mind and soul. Even God wont count the number of times I've went inside that secured locker and returned happier than ever, every time i returned I was in love again...

After all that was going on inside my heart, I had to tell her what I felt, I had to make her know that my heart beat doubled every time she smiled, every time I accidentally touched her hand and every time she looked at me with those beautiful little eyes. I wanted to tell her that I never wanted her to leave from in front of me, I wanted to tell her that she was stuck in my heart and was inside every drop of blood it pumped through my body. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I wanted her to know...

"I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"

She was right in front of me, holding a cup of icecream, so was I but i really don't remember what icecream it was, how it tasted, how much it cost, flavour, anything!! The only thing I could see was her and the only thing that was going through my mind was how should i say it to her. Never have i ever been so much tensed in my life that I was seeing my hands shiver, my lips numb, my eyes blank! The cup of icecream had no more ice, just cream for i was just mixing all that up with the spoon and never noticed that she was looking at me and my hands all the time, she had seen my hands shiver and saw that i was nervous. she asked me what happened, I couldn't say one damn word. All I did was look at her as my heart was pounding (became a train's engine...again!), I had said it so many times in my dreams, so many times in my thoughts, I had said it so easily. I have no idea why but I could not say a word, not a single word. And After a long pause i answered that i wanted to ask her something, but couldn't answer her next question," WHAT?"

I was saying it inside me, my eyes said it, my hands said it, my heart said it, my mind yelled it, but my lips were mum. I gathered all my courage, calmed myself, and with all my energy only could say, " Bubble, Will you be with me.?" I knew I had not completed but the pause was something I couldn't control. I tried again as I saw her look at me curiously with those little eyes looking straight into mine,

"Bubble, will you be with me?.......Forever?"
I didn't know if she understood what i wanted to say, I didn't know if she had understood how much i wanted her, how much i loved her, how it felt when she was near, how happy I was the whole day when she was with me even even for a minute, for all she did was look at me with her little unblinking eyes. I knew my lips were numb, they had almost sealed themselves shut in utter fear and nerves. I took a piece of paper napkin, and with a little pen wrote what just 2 lines from the song which was played for all this time inside me. I could barely manage two , I wrote:

"Shall I stay, would it be a sin,
If i cant help, falling in love with you..."

She took it from me and saw it, I don't know if she had read it at all coz i saw her look into me almost instantaneously the moment she looked into that piece of paper. There was something I saw in those eyes, those eyes were a little moist, I could feel something i hadn't till now, I felt her nervous, and all we were doing was looking into each others eyes as if they spoke for themselves, as if they had promised each other long back, I was simply looking into her eyes but so was she.!!

And after a much much longer pause, she took that pen from my hand and with shivering hands she wrote two lines beneath mine,

"take my hand, take my whole life too,
for i cant help, falling in love with you.."

Monotone-us...

For two months, which felt like no less than 2 years, i felt every inch of the word the world calls "stressed". Every damn day woke up early, ran to office and in office there was always so much in store that one brain always felt insufficient, two hands always too busy and two legs always too slow. For two months while i was being trained, my heart pumped hard because so much was flowing in...so much was needed to flow out as code and so much was left. Time made fun of you, coz every time you checked the time, it was way too ahead of what you thought. But there was something different than usual, my mind had started loving it!! I don't know how or why, but it seemed like it had reversed the word "stressed" and made it "desserts"!!!!!

Today I am in Hyderabad. Away from home, away from friends, away from college. For the first time in my life i've realized what I am without my friends...just an old shoe with open laces...wont fit in anywhere, and will be left out at every step. Here i work for a company which has 200,000 people to work on nearly double number of computers. I work for a company where you work on a computer and some other computer works on you. Today i am one of them.

I miss my friends every day when i enter the office and find numb faces staring at me, every day when i sit on the wooden "bench" made specially for people like me, benches where people have to sit facing away from each other and look at other fellow workers walking away in groups of not more than 2 and talking something i would never understand..
"The different modules u kno ugulululu, i m working on the data side of the beta section but database blasalauausu connectivity!! I told him adu asuglugglalsguglglugugugulululu...luagayalturualu..Database ufyshsanalulublablblublu...beta bhulululu.. (the unknown part was telugu!!!! which i didn't understand one bit!!!!!!).
But there was something i did understand, it was the look on their faces, it was Numb. They bore no expression, eyebrows didn't move, eyes dull, shoulders down, no smile ever, shirt cuffs folded up, dusty shoes, an unclear ID card hanging from the collar, from six pack to rice pack bellies and they all walked slowly. A look on the face where you feel they had lost all hopes of a flying career, all dreams slowly and painfully washing themselves away with every second they spend looking into the computers. There was something which i was never accustomed to, a deserted feeling inside such a huge office with so many people and I found that same feeling reflected in every eye which looked at me every time i laughed out loud or was excited to tell something.
I wanted to know what made them such monotonous machines, i wanted to show them the mirror to let them know how deserted and numb they all looked, how dull they look when they walk slow, I wanted to know if that's what i was going to become in days to come...

I had so many questions to ask,"What do these resource managers do!!" "Why does every second spectacled man look like Ramalinga Raju and every third lady look pregnant!!" "Why don't you all smile ever.??!?" "Why do you allll walk slowww.!!!!!" "Why's every one talking about only 'onsite'!!" "Does ANYONE CARE !!!!!!!!??" "Why are Freshers treated lyk Filth!!!!????" "Does it EVER matter how you feel!!???" but i know nothing would ever come out of those closed minds working around me with numb faces. I don't think any one would ever TELL me the reason why they all looked so heavily monotonous.

It's now 2 weeks I've joined the office here. Every day i have to report to the resource manager who says he has nothing for people without any prior experience and just asks us to go! From a hurried life in Ahmedabad where time was always running out, Time seems to be making fun of me again. With absolutely nothing to do whole day and with rejection and denial every morning, being treated like filth....by the end of the day today i felt something really harsh...
I was losing hopes of a flying career, felt my dreams washing away slowly and painfully, me eyes were dull, eyebrows numb, shoulders down, i didn't want to smile, my shoes were dusty, shirt cuffs folded up and with an unclear ID hanging on my collar, I walked out of the exit....very slowly.

Loved once, Loved ones...

Almost one month has passed since I've been here in Ahmedabad. I still cant believe that so much can happen in a month, I am not what i was just a month back. I feel i am some one else, some one i had known existed but could never find. I saw some one who was laughing at me all these years. A sound that was laughing at me every time i was spending my dad's money for no use what so ever. A man who looked at me with a grin and then laughed when i bought something just because i wanted it but never needed it. A cry of laughter every time my bike was filled full tank and i roamed aimlessly never knowing where i was heading to.At every blind turn i heard that laughter. A laughter which i could hear every time my mind desired to have something it never could wear. I knew that man who laughed at me, but could never find him all these years. Today i saw that laughing man...

Life was never this way before. I was swimming in unknown waters and never knew how deep it was till the day i looked back and found my loved ones far away from me at a distance from where they couldn't even hear my cry for help. I miss them as i move ahead in these unknown waters with no idea of when i would return to the world where i was born. The world where i used to wake up late, brushed as and when i wanted, didn't bathe on cold winter mornings, dress up in whatever way i wanted and had no single bit of worry ever inside the heart. My world where the only approval that mattered was from the boss who woke me up, the boss who made the tea every god damn morning without fail, collected all my stinky socks from the bin and washed them without ever being noticeable and arranged them inside my cupboard without making it look bad ever. The boss who stitched up those shirts every time they were torn and donated them to the needy every time i rejected them. The boss who cooked all the food i loved whenever i wanted and still would listen to all the fire thrown on to her every time salt was not as usual in sambar and when she forgot to wake me up on time, and when the tea was not hot or the socks were not clean enough. Every time I threw fire i felt this man somewhere near me...and he was laughing.Never was i old enough to know who that man was. Never was i grown up to know where i had seen this man, I know i was never grown up at all. And Today i saw that laughing man...

As i swim in these deep waters, waking up early at 5, shaving every morning, dressing up in business formals compulsorily, reaching everywhere on time,sitting on a chair for 9 hours and look at all unknown stuff on a screen being poured directly into my brain, eating a tasteless sambar almost daily, finding trouble to keep the cupboard clean, and washing my stinky socks myself, today my old tshirt tore all of a sudden while i was brushing my teeth and for a second i laughed...I laughed as i looked in the mirror...i saw what i had become in this time.In the mirror i found myself grown up. In the mirror I saw who was laughing all the time, in the mirror i saw what i was, in the mirror i saw there was nothing behind me in these deep waters, my loved ones far far away from me, in a moment i saw myself laugh, my shirt was torn and the moment i thought of my boss I looked in the mirror, in a moment i knew that laughter was the same i had heard all these years, in a moment i knew what i had become ....

In the mirror i saw that laughing man.... and that laughing man was me.