Resigned from my heart

I had it decided. For some time I had that feeling inside and all this while I was waiting for a moment to decide. And soon that moment came, I saw where I was headed to with myself, I saw what I've become. I saw myself on a busy street and that very moment I had it decided, I wont turn into something I've never been or wanted to be. I will forever be me.

I wanted to write it out once and for all that I will not continue the job I've been doing, but I couldn't.I couldn't write that I was frustrated, agitated, annoyed and exhausted. I didn't. All this while I was wearing a joker's mask. A mask which I wore the moment I wore that blue ID card, the moment I entered those secured premises, the moment i go past those gates, and again the moment I sat onto a leaning chair in front of a machine which has no eyes or ears but has silent voice which runs thrills down many and an eerie face which can show you miracles. It was the mask I was turning into, I couldn't write this down because I never could get the right words, and I don't think English is big enough to express what I felt. I will not let this mask be me. I am what I am, and will forever be. I will be free for that's what is me.

I coded some scripts once a while, and for that I was paid a salary. I solved a few issues and for that I was paid a salary. I spent some time on a chair in front of that machine and for that I was paid a salary.Till the day I die I was gonna do this and for that I was paid a salary. To hell with this, I will make my own salary. I cannot be wearing a mask forever, I will not be the mask i wear. I may be that guy in the crowd, but I am not one of them. I will not live a life which waits desperately for the weekend and cries when it ends, I will not live a life where every one waits for the month to end and freely lets that cycle repeat itself in a slow yet painful way. I will not be that slave of an ounce of salary, I've never been that horse who runs for that carrot and will never be. I will not be a part of this place where every while you know that your path ahead is decided by someone else, and every light on the way is bleak. Hell! I am thin, but I am not weak.

"Open eyed now I run,
now I run to the other side..
Then I glide like a bird, 
I just want to be."

I may be living in a world where efforts are counted in hours and your dedication is remembered by your mistakes, but I still have a child in me who dreams. I still feel that my wings haven't rotten, I was born to fly and I will always do what I love to. I will not be clogged in this world of sh-IT where whether you do or not, you'll still get a sum of money which never changes. I will not sink into a hole dig by desperate promotion seeking people, I will make my own world and rise up. It's been a while I've been wearing this mask of uncertainty and today I throw it away. Dear Sir, today I resign.

God Party Cull

Dear God,
"The Time machine" is one thought you put unanimously into the minds of every person on Earth. I am just one of them. For the past few months you have no idea how much I've wanted that machine in my life, for if I had it, I would have kept it so close to me that every heartbeat would have felt it before anything else, every pulse would have kissed it before anything else, and my very soul would have lived inside it. Dear God, why didn't you make that machine? Why did you leave just that thought when you know my thoughts mean nothing. But dear God, I think i know the answer now.

Had I had that machine, God you know it, I would have never grown up. Today I am 24, had I had that machine, I would have gone back to that 10 and would have never returned to this 24. I would have relived these 14 years a thousand times every day for the rest of my life. I would've gone back within moments to those days when I used to cry for anything I wanted and would get beaten up all over again by bro. I would've relived those nights when along with five guys the whole night was spent on a terrace staring into an empty sky and the only thing noticeable was the crap we said to each other. In a moment, I would have relived all those afternoons when I broke records in a video game and felt like Rambo. I wouldn't have let those afternoons go down with just a drink of Bournvita, nor would I have succumbed to Mom's threats had I ever known that there''ll come a day when I'll have no video game or bournvita, a day when Mom's hundreds of miles away and those five guys would be in different places of the world; and that the terrace would be an empty space forever after. Dear God, i know why you didn't make that machine.

Dear God, I've been thinking about this for long. The world may be spinning on its own, but I do know that Time isn't some fabric you can tear into. It isn't some matrix you wont understand, nor is it some flowing water which takes you along. Time is just an element. It is an element just like others, just as obvious, just as simple. In a world where God's being put into particles, while I was lying on a chair laughing while remembering some old prank, I felt that I knew. I felt I knew that machine, the machine which could create those particles of time. The machine that could take me back to the day I wanted.Which when switched on would take me to that moment which I wanted to live again. That elusive machine which mankind has forever been trying to create. A machine which could take you to the day you wished. The only input to it being Time. Give it some time...and it will take you to the time you wished!

It was never a "thought" that you planted dear god, it was never something man could make. It wasn't some thing that man could sell or buy. I should've got this before, how can man create something which he already had!!? Because, it was never a thought, it was the whole machine he had. You planted the whole machine inside my head. You planted it in every head you created. It was that same machine which took me through those video games and terraces within moments. It was always that machine which took me to those days I wanted to relive. It was that Time machine which I had used while siting on that chair and the moment I got up from that chair, I knew it was in me.

 Dear god I write this today, to thank. It is because of you that I now realize...the Time machine is Me.